Carnival City Macsteal a Classic Race Report Part 1 - 'Pa's Edition

It all started with ‘Pa waking up at 03h00 for no reasons what so ever. 

[Ed. note: (explaining) what did you expect from an old man...]

After rolling around in bed, ‘Pa decided to get up, go to the toilet and drop a load. After realizing that it is not cool being awake at that time of day, ‘Pa decided to SMS some of the B.O.’s to wake them up. 

[Ed. Note: (stating) B.O.’s received the SMS around 04h00, ‘Pa went to his throne around 03h00, no wonder ‘Pa is full of... Anyway ‘Pa, if you eat more veges, you would be less constipated. Use it, don’t use it...]

[More ed. Note: (clarifying) there were a general theme in the replies ‘Pa received from his early bird SMS. Basically described how ‘Pa should do to himself what you would with your partner sexually...]

‘Pa went for a shower and do the stuff REAL men do; shave, put on body lotion and EAU DE TOILET, ISSEY MIYAKE , I know, not even BOtall, the FEMAN does this before the race, but REAL men do.

[Ed. Note: (seriously?!!!) LOOK, our readers wants a B.O. race report. If they want a ‘Pa’s report they’d go read the Out.]

‘Pa, then left his house at 05h15 and set off for Carnival City Casino.

[2785 faithful, loyal and rabid fans: (had enough) BObbie crapping is fun, ‘Pa going to the East Rand is morbid!!! Enough already!!!]

‘Pa stopped at BP for a Latte (rule violation) and proceeded to the East Rand. 

[2785 faithful, loyal and rabid fans: (can’t take it no more and starts throwing anything their hands can grab hold at the screen. Mothers cover their children’s eyes and ears...)]

Back to the report, hopefully. At 06h00 ’Pa received a B.O. from Ninja. NoBOdy is surprised...

Upon arriving at the venue, ‘Pa was greeted by Tubs and Stache and the rest of the Slipstreamers (B.O. friendly Cycling Club). The rest of BO arrived soon after and started discussing who is riding where. Lani, Larry, BOatie and BObbie entered the Corporate Team Race Event to earn the R 5000 prize money and BObbie Big Mouth is already planning on how to spend it, not a good sign (full details see part 2).

Stache the poser...

Tubs making Lani his BFF...

Crap & Katy rides to the start line, ready to settle a score...

Panda soon raced off to the start hoping to get to the front of DL. Katy, Crap (‘Pa note: (stating) For unknowing readers, Crap actually is short for “Craptain”, the highest ranked member of the B.O.) and ‘Pa made their way to the start and met up with Whale and his Applicont (Crap note: (stating) status of this cont is unclear and I have yet to receive applications from Applicont 6 and 7). Surprisingly, Katy and Crap was very civilized or at least it seemed... 

Crap & Katy pretending to be civilized...

Notice Crap's evil smirk?

Posing for the Still Sponsor Centrum!

The countdown begins and the gun went. Crap who is down 0-1 in the infamous Crap vs Katy Feud Seried shot out the gate and left everyBOdy behind. There was a split right at the start and Crap was sitting in front of the second platoon. ‘Pa can’t wait to see what rumours he can gossip sat easily behind so he can witness the whole action. Whale realizing that Crap is suffering a bit, moved to the front and chewned us to sit his wheel. The Whale, he does not have an Animal Farm status for nothing. He pulled the Teamies to the first peloton and told them to carry on. The Whale then went back to care for his applicont.

[All our she readers: (collectively) Oh... He’s so sweet...]

Panda is now in the front of the peloton whilst Katy, ‘Pa and Crap are sitting in the middle. At around 5km in some idiot decided riding on the other side of the road is the way to go was almost taken out by a car. He then had to hit the brakes and swerving left back into the peloton causing the guy in front of ‘Pa to crash into him and take out half the peloton. Katy was ahead of the crash and got away. ‘Pa and Crap using several censured languages danced around and both avoided the crash. ‘Pa looked back and couldn’t find the Crap but then noticed the Crap is mountain biking in the bush. And the scheming begins...

‘Pa soon realized this is the perfect opportunity for Katy to break away for a 2-0 series lead. Since ‘Pa took out a R 700 bet against the Crap he could ride to Katy and double his earning or... ‘Pa was all teamie and went to drag Crap’s ass out of the bushes. 

There was now a major split at this point and Katy and Panda was far, far ahead. After Crap confirmed that he and his bike was okay, ‘Pa’s Animal Farm instinct came alive and chewned the Crap to sit his wheel so he can tow him back to Katy.

Regardless, Crap swallowing all sort of gels, bars, steaks and sat toight on ‘Pa’s wheel passing palookas along the way, but at that time it looked like Katy and the rest of the peloton was too far. Never the less, traffic was hectic and limit ‘Pa and Crap’s somewhat and the two teamies had to sit back until it was safer to overtake whilst catching some much needed rest. This time ‘Pa decided to give it horns, the teamies overtook a huge bunch and were going at 45-50 km/h. And the B.O.‘s Centrum Kit is now in sight. And contact! ‘Pa got himself and the Crap back. At this point ‘Pa thought that after all the work he can now relax and ride with Katy and the Crap to the final stretch for a good sprint finish. Or at least he though as much...

Crap had other ideas.

[EveryBOdy: (sighs) Zies is why he’s the Crap...]

As soon as the teamies made it back to the peloton, a left turn emerges and Crap attacked.

Katy: (shell shocked) WTF? I thought you guys got caught by the crash?!!!

‘Pa: (huffing and puffing) Crap ordered me to tow him back...

Katy: (furious) How could you?!!! I am a girl?!!! Where’s the justice?!!! Now get up front and get me back to that Crap!!!!!

‘Pa: (why am I doing this) Now I know why Larry & BObbie is not here... I am riding with BObbie for that R 5000 next year...

And back to towing ‘Pa does. Workign his ass off towing Katy and a lurking group of around ten towards the Crap. At around 50km they bumped into Panda.

Katy: (screaming) Where’s the Crap?!!!

Panda: (huh) I don’t know...

Katy: (furious) get in here and do some work!!!

Panda: (looking at ‘Pa for an explanation...)

‘Pa: (sighs) Never mind, jump in...

Katy: (insturcting) Don’t you dare drop me ‘Pa!!!

Soon the teamies arrived at Heidelberg and a fast downhill into the town. Just then, the leading group of EL came flying past us and Applicont 6 was in the group. Applicont 6 slowed down to chat to ‘Pa and see if he can gain some browny points. Instead he got a talked to...

Applicont 6: (confused) What did I say?

‘Pa and Panda: (shook their heads collectively) Never mind, just tow...

At then some Idiot came flying downhill and shouted “hold your f%^*ing line”. He was on the wrong side of the road and almost took out Katy.

Katy: (about to commit crime) Why don’t you hold YOUR F#@%ING line?

Idiot: (pretending to be tough) but I am faster!

Katy: (showed him) And WTF does that have to do with holding the line? You bloody idiot!!!

Idiot: (shell shocked and decided it’s best to stay behind Katy as there is a weirdo in the same kit with a broken beer bottle in his hand staring at him. He has no idea how the werido came about a broken beer bottle...)

With about 30km left in the race the Teamies picked up some CL guys and they helped up front. The pace was hectic and was going 30km/h on the hills. At around 20km mark ‘Pa dropped Katy and had to go back and pull her back to the group. Soon Katy managed to sit with the remaining  and joining DL’s. The bunch was big, around hundred or more. ‘Pa having done so much work get his long deserved break, finally, as long as Katy don’t see him, that is. 

Then they hit another hill and another split that left ‘Pa at the back. Thinking Katy should be upfront ‘Pa went to his drops and started chasing back can caught back up with about 15km to go. Katy was no where in sight. ‘Pa did find another teamie upfront though, Applicont 6.

‘Pa: (querying) Where’s Katy?

Applicont 6: (dying) Water, I need water...

‘Pa: (upset he lost Katy) What has water got to do with Katy and man up if you want your B.O.!!!

Applicont 6: (crying...)

‘Pa: (I guess it’s just my day, I am so joining BObbie for that R 5000 next year) Never mind, just sit my wheel!!!

‘Pa without Katy then pulled Applicont 6 towards the finish and finished the race with a sprint. Applicont 6 puked on the marshals whilst passing the finish line...

‘Pa then arrived at the Centrum Gazebo finding a Crap counting his money and Tubs counting his spokes, what left of it that is.

Tubs: (grumpy) Zies BObbie, I go on one tour with him, I make him my BFF and I can't stop repairing my bike!!! My Insurance company is gonna drop me!!!

Crap gloating!!!

Whale voted by B.O. she fans as the care bear of the day...

Join us for Part 2 to find out why.