Berge en Dale Race Report - The Attack of the Palookas!!!

For some reason the teamies performed poorly at the Dischem Ride for Sight. Well, except Katy who whipped everyBOdy and Crap’s ass and BObbie who powered punctured teamies back into peolotons and terrorized FL palookas up the hills with Taggie in one hand and a cheese burger in another.

So as Saturday approaches for the Berge en Dale Classics, the teamies are all of a sudden grim and serious, starting with BObbie, who terrorized the crap out of his toilet, literally...

BObbie: (reading 21 SNLV mags and whistling whilst raining greenish, feta cheese like substances into his toilet bowl and when he is finally done he had a dead leg and couldn’t get up so he rained some more...)

[BOditor’s English teacher: (speechless) When I said you have a future as a writer this is NOT what I meant!!!]

Anyway, BObbie is out, like the greenish....

As is Lani, with BObaby 2 who decide he didn’t need his parent to go anywhere and he thinks the toilet is where you store his brother’s toys and his mother’s cutleries...

Or Katy, who decided she’s up 1-0 in 2012 and that she needs to keep the advantage somewhat over the Craptain.

No matter, the show must go on. We catch up with the reBOrter who will be following the race in the HeliBOpter and give us a minute by minute report.

* * * * *

05h43 - The Sandton lanis (‘Tall and Taggie) arrives at ‘Pa’s since it’s about 5km from the Silverstar Casino, the start of the Berge en Dale Classics.

05h44 - The Westrander BOat arrives.

05h48 - The Eastranders Goat, Stache and Tubs arrived. Upon arrival they are still comparing sizes and requested a tape measure. After some proper measurement, ‘Pa had to clean up.

05h57 - BObbie B.O.’s, claiming some drainage issue.

05h58 - Lani B.O.’s, claiming also drainage issues by BObaby 2. Teamies suspect foul play.

06h13 - Goat, Stache, Tubs, ‘Pa, ‘Tall met up with Pluggie, Ninja and Panda at B cage. Pluggie brought along a boy friend Spiderman, claims he’s fast. BOat, RoBOcop, Larry, Whale, Taggie hooked up with The Craptain somewhere else. Crap issued “Beat Katy” order. EveryBOdy pretends to obey, but Katy is not even at the race.

06h21 - Panda busted doping. Panda claims it’s Viagra to help boost blood circulation. Marshals claims intelligence by pointing out Viagra is light blue in colour. ‘Pa claims authority on the subject and defended Panda’s colour choices and pulls out his name card. On the other side, another marshal claims he has a bigger tub than BObbie and Tubs, the price of fame...

06h22 - At C cage, BOat swears he smells alcohol, Whale agrees. Crap denies it but refuse to let them check his bottle. At B cage, Pluggie lights up a Camel. At Helivac tent New Sponsor swallows Prozac.

06h39 - B group released. Goat tries to ride as slow as he can up Krugies as to not drop everyone including B group. ‘Pa tries to sit up straight with him. Pluggie, ‘Tall, Ninja absolutely had no idea why they need to climb at 18km/h. Panda just found out he swallowed the wrong pill, oops...

06h40 - Panda forced to prematurely ejectulate the race.

06h58 - ‘Pa realized sitting with Goat is always a bad idea. Spiderman had no idea and joins Polka Dot Man to rotate with Goat up front. By the time B group arrived at the foot of Sterkies they are averaging 33km/h. Always a great idea when guys who should be in VA is leading your peloton...

07h14 - B group pace finally calms. Goat, Pluggie, Spiderman and Polka Dot Man still towing. Always a great idea when your best rider is domestiquing whilst the palookas are sitting your wheels... ‘Pa, Ninja and ‘Tall are all lurking at the back.

07h32 - BObbie ass hugs his toilet for the 8th time that morning.

07h36 - BObbie just realized he had used up all his toilet papers whilst still on the throne...

08h03 - B group begins to swallow up A group left overs. Polka Dot Man disappears. Spiderman still up front with Goat and Pluggie. Spiderman has no taste in fashion but he sure can ride some. Lurking at the back, some palooka begins to wonder into ‘Pa. ‘Pa used profanities to chewn him straight.

08h40 - B group arrived at the Cradle.

08h41 - BObbie’s leg went dead and he collapsed from his throne. Without wiping his dried crack, BObbie climbs with his hands toward the storage cupboard and realized there is none there. BObbie then pulls out his new iPhone 4S with the infamous Siri function: “Siri, remind me to buy toilet paper as soon as I get out of this mess” to which Siri replied “I do not understand, please repeat your question”...

08h53 - Goat finally is sick and tired of towing the peloton, Pluggie blew a gasket, Spiderman continues his menacing ways up front. Panda wonders if Spiderman actually took his pills.

08h54 - Goat and Pluggie wonders if they had worked too hard. Always a great idea to wonder after you towed the peloton for 80% of the ride.

08h55 - B group palookas are now doing some work. Speed drops about 3km/h. Goat and Pluggie panics and reckons they may not make a sub 3 at this pace even though Goat’s not wearing a timing chip. Pluggie have a brain fart and confirms Goat’s calculation by how his hooves feels. Always a great idea when guys who should be in VA is leading your peloton with no cycling computer.

08h56 - Pluggie rejoins Spiderman at front to balance the speed average.

09h08 - B group finally has its first split at Beyers Naude. Pluggie now sitting number 3. And heard planned attack from number 1 and number 2. “Time to break away and dump these HeliBO palookas”. Always a great idea when you spent all your legs towing the peloton to the finish line so they can drop you.

09h12 - Break away!!!!! Goat follows, Spiderman felt like a used condom. Pluggie felt used.

09h14 - Great news!!!!! Bobbie found some old newspapers!!! World rejoices!!!

09h15 - Pluggie finally sees ‘Pa at the front of the 2nd peloton. Pluggie wonders about ‘Pa’s camaraderie, ‘Pa pulls a Stache face.

09h20 - Final straight! Goat easily beats up the rest of the attack group. Always a great idea when your best rider is pillaging the palookas... Hang on... WTF?!!! Goat just had a brain fart and stopped on the side of the road to wait for his teamies for a photo finish.

09h21 - B group palookas who sat HeliBO’s wheels whole day wins B group. Dying Pluggie and ‘Pa catches up with Goat on the side of the road. Still shell shocked, Pluggie wonders why Goat stopped. Goat claims he and BObbie always wait for each other at the finish line. HeliBO finishes at 2h49. Ninja and ‘Tall came through 2 minutes later.

09h28 - New Sponsor had the HeliBO tent set up at the finish expecting another win could not find the HeliBOs. NoBOdy could believe what the Goat just pulled decided it’s best not to explain what happened to the New Sponsor and hides out in Silverstar’s Parking.

[Ed. Note 1: Due to funding issues (rumour has it the BOditor steals from petty cash to satisfy his constant hunger) BONN can only send out one reBOrter on one heliBOpter. So the race report can only be done up front. OK, so not that much up front thanks to the Goat...]

[Ed note 2: Needless to say, the rest of the HeliBOs huff and puff up Krugies, catches a break until they reach the Cradle and struggles back home and upon hearing Goat’s brain fart beats up the Goat for good measure. Always great to hear if your best riders who’s about to win a race gives it up to wait for you...]

After overcoming the shocking news, teamies gathered in the parking to drown their sorrows. Boditor showed up to finalize the stories for the Race Report.