2012 MTN-Nissan Barberton MTB Race - Pluggie Edition

By Friday around 13h00, all is well in the world [Ed. Note: (matter of factly) Really?!! Seriously?!! Iran, Greece, Somalia...]. Pluggie lead Team B.O. MTB sucker RoBOcop, DevX (wannabe BO) and RoBObabybrother (forced into BO) are planned, packed and ready to go. The Barberton Classic waits for them 4 hours away.

Oh no, wait… RoBObabybrotherwhorefusedtobeaBOslave has decided that he will rather stay home with a friend as he did not realize that he would have to pedal the bike himself. So three left, no problemo, just means more space in the car. Oh no, wait… DevXwhattheheckisBOandwhyamiinthis now has to “work late” and will not make it. The fact the he has not been on a bike in 3 months and someBOdy stupid showed him the profile of the race, has nothing to do with this late BO… I’m sure...

Finally, RoBOcop drives and Pluggie sleeps. We’re off to Barberton at last. A slow pace was maintained, partly due to Pluggie’s refueling habits [Ed. note: (here we go) Pluggie likes to go for a long walk with his camel...] and partly because RoBOcop’s, well, let’s just say he always maintains a slow pace behind the wheel like a Goat. We arrive at registration just after 18h00 where we get given meal vouchers for pasta of the day and the usual goodie bag with bars no one swallows, energy drink no one swallows, face cream no one swallows, tampons and other useless lady bits that no one swallows [CheapsGoat: (gimme) I’ll swallow...]. Anyway, we collect and head for the bunk where there is more food than even BObbie, backed by the Goat, can eat [2785 faithful, loyal and rabid fans: (snickers) Really?!! Seriously?!!! You have seen those two eat right?!]. During dindin Pluggie figures there was sufficient grounds for a race. Taking into account race distances, start times, fitness levels and expected race times, this means whoever is back first, wins… With that he laid the challenge to RoBOcop. RoBOcop not gonna be outdone by a young, knows nadda beeg mouther agreed to stick it up to Pluggie. The two checked their equipments, compared sizes and heads off to bed.

It’s an early start, but the sun is out and the views are spectacular, looking out over the sparkling valley with the mist lifting slowly [2785 faithful, loyal and rabid fans: (confused) We thought ‘Pa’s the only girl in the team?].

Unfortunately, there was little time to appreciate it before the rush started. Packing bikes and chowing down on some banana’s, eggs, Pronutro, jelly babies and everything else that moved [Goat & BObbie: (snickers) And ju chewn us eat lots?].

We make our way over to the race, where RoBOcop discovers a slow leaking valve problem [2785 faithful, loyal and rabid fans: (confused) And we thought you checked your equipment? Oh, wait... OK... Never mind...] whilst Pluggie became the most popular guy at the race, the only one that thought of bringing a shock pump. 

Pluggie eventually makes his way over to the start line where he befriends a Local that scares the crap out of him. The race profile suggested that the THE BIG HILL starts at 5km and ends at 20km. Pluggie did the math and was well prepared for the 15km climb. The Local then informs him that THE BIG HILL starts at 0km and only ends at 25km. This he was not prepared for. When the announcer explained that there is a free bike wash after the race, Pluggie was very tempted to skip the bit in the middle and head straight for the wash and lunch [Goat & BObbie: (snickers again) And ju chewn us eat lots?].

The race starts and sure enough, THE BIG HILL was exactly as long as the Local declared. But all things considered, it’s not that bad. More spectacular views as you ascend the 25km long, 1km high BIG HILL. The Local is stronger than Pluggie expected and the two ride well together sharing MTB war stories along the way. 

2h15 into the race they finally summit THE BIG HILL (for the first time) where a well-deserved water point stocked with everything a BObbie’s heart could desire [2785 faithful, loyal and rabid fans: (stating) You clearly do not know zies BObbie...]. After a short stop they are off again and was greeted with mad steep, rocky, technical downhills. It’s a nice change from the climb and loads of fun… for a while that is… then the shacking and rattling starts taking its toll on the body. Pluggie’s liver begs him to stop as its bounces up and down in the back, he loses all feeling in his fingers and his already tired legs get given a proper workout as there is no sitting down on terrain like this, BUT THERE WILL BE NO STOPPING as the Local [Ed. note: (pity) Yep, you guessed it, the Local, is a she...] does not seem to have a problem and Pluggie will not be out done by a girl [2785 faithful, loyal and rabid fans: (stating) Mmm... Ja nee, just like you wont’ be beaten down a hill by a girl, huh...]. And just when Pluggie is about bow to the Local, he looks up and see’s the “light at the end of the tunnel”…

“Fan-beeping-tastic” he stupidly says to himself, “the madness ends” he stupidly declares. And by that he means “that looks like another hill”. That was the BIG HILL, again, or at least another 5km of it for the final real climb of the day [Ed. Note: (pity) I can’t edit this, Pluggie’s brain was fried at that point...]. Up and over they go for some more madness on the other side. The profile from here was mostly down back to the finish with the occasional smaller hills.

Pluggie hung on with the Local up to 55km (3h45) when it all fell apart. THE BIG HILL had slowly, but surely been nibbling away at the legs that finally culminated into a BIG CRAMP!!! What happened next was not pretty and details are a little sketchy. The few facts that are known.

- The Local dropped his ass and left him for dead. The Local, she don’t date weak man.

- Two crashes were recorded (one in a river and one almost over the edge of the mountain), The Local, she don’t date weak man.

- Lots of walking was involved on every subsequent hill (no matter how small), including stops for leg stretches, leg rubs, pleading with the legs and explaining to other participants that he was fine and did not need to be hauled off on a quad bike. The Local, she don’t date weak man.

On the plus side, the last 20km included 15 fantastic river crossing which are always good to sore legs.

Eventually the Pluggie is only 3km from the end. The distinct smell of copper from the medal and Powerade hanging in the air… and then, the most horrible sound imaginable is coming from the camelback…

The phone rings…

It cannot be…

Is it possible?!!!

Surely not?!!!

Did RoBOcop date the Local?!!!

No he did NOT. But he kicked Pluggie’s ass and won...

Tired, broken, cramping, dirty and pissed off, Pluggie arrive at the finish line only to be pushed up the last hill in the parking lot by non-other than RoBOcop. Just kill me...

Pluggie finished the 75km in 5h30 and RoBOcop the 45km in 4h15 giving RoBOcop the win by Pluggie’s formulaes.

They shared a cold one and had a swim before packing up and heading home… In the end, fun was had by all most and they’ll be back next year, to show the Local how it’s done.

The Local: (do I even know you) Who the heck are you again?