2012 Emperors Palace Classic - HeliBO Attack!!!

Veni, vidi, vici.

BObbie woke at 03h30 on the morning of the race, grumpy, eyes half closed, and walked straight into his shower door and collapsed. Never on time for anything, this is way too early for him to get up to go to a race, or any race for that matter. But he had too. Since not all the teamies could make it to the HeliBO Launch Press Conference and he lost at strip poker night, he had to deliver the new kits to Goat, Stache & Tubs. And since Goat had to represent the team in the racing category VA, BObbie had to be at Emperor’s Palace at 05h00.

[Ed. Note: (don’t bother) Katy & ‘Tall never shows up so their strip poker, trust me, you don’t want to be there...]

Except the Goat, he’s late...

Bobbie: (advil) “beep”! Where the “beep” are ju?!!! Ju make me come early and den?!!!

Goat: (not even fussed) Well, ju have never been on time...

No matter, Goat is dressed and ready to race!!!

New Sponsor: (having anxiety attacks) Oh good lord, no...

Goat: (OK lah) fine, fine, I go race...

BObbie then hooked up with Tubs and Stache and the three are kitted and waited at the BL cage. The new sponsor had arranged for the teamies to race at BL and FL. But they not seeing the rest of their teamies.

[2785 faithful, loyal and rabid fans: (pities) Mr. New sponsor, yes, they will be late. And that’s IF they can find the starting cage...]

Eventually Pluggies rushes through but BL has moved on. The teamies agreed to drop back to FL for maximum advertising effect.

Pluggie: (still grumpy after being dumped by a girl in a race and socially) If I am dropping back to FL I am gonna kick their ass!!!

At FL the teamies gathered and ready to race. As usual, trash talk reached a new high in decibel. Rest of FL thinks they are morons. But the teamies were in large numbers. With ‘Pa being called back to head office to explain why Centrum isn’t the sole sponsor, Lani not understanding why he needs to spend time with BOwife during their anniversary and Katy stuck in some remote town, Team B.O. are lead by their drunken Craptain with BObbie, Larry, ‘Tall, Panda, Whale, Tubs, Stache, RoBOcop, Dev 1, Taggie, BOat, Pluggie and the Ninja. They quickly strategize.

Crap: (directing) we win FL.

EveryBOdy: (nodding but have no clue how it should be done...)

Pluggie and his pre race ritual.

Few teamies are still waiting to receive their HeliBO kits from the sponsor...

Still, B.O. rule requires you to wear the race number correctly.

Time to race. As soon as FL is released, RoBOcop sprinted up front, both arms in the air in the victory salute and screamed “I have always wanted to be on Titanic!!!”

New Sponsor: (covering his face with both hands) Just shoot me...

At least Team B.O. Knows how to advertise. Back to the race, grumpy and heart broken Pluggie immediately charged the peloton. + 40km/h... Tubs, Panda, ‘Tall begun the rotation duty with him.

At the back Taggie looked at Dev 1 and Dev 1 looked at Taggie.

Dev 1: (pity) Pluggie must be really hurt.

Taggie: (understanding) I know how he feels... But we go...

Up front, way up front where the Goat is representing the HeliBOs in VA just got tossed. The VA’s, they are not kind. Goat got caught behind a blown VA wannabe couldn't react fast enough and is left behind by Carnival City, watching the VA’s disappearing in the horizon, without an iPod.

Goat: (whining) To date, the only idiot who crashed with an iPod is me, but they ban the iPod anyway, just don’t get me started about the iPod...

A little back, disappearing from the horizon is the HeliBO lead FL. With the first respectable hill the HeliBOs attacked it, + 32km/h. Those who could, bit their teeth and hung on the HeliBO wheels. The FL peloton is now reduced to around 30. Then the teamies heard a sonar...

Whale: (screaming like a girl) Puncture, puncture!!!

Casualty number one... No matter, Crap’s order were clear, win FL.

Up front, the Goat gathered a few stragglers and formed a herd and waited for VB.

Back at FL, two vets came up front to help the teamies. BObbie marked them VC Red and AL Red. They are a threat to win FL. Around 18km mark, a dude sitting on HeliBO’s drag decided HeliBO’s pace was too slow and attacked. Larry immediately smacked him. With HeliBO all up front, Pluggie, RoBOcop and Panda decided to launch an early attack. BObbie, Stache, Tubs & ‘Tall immediately went down on their drops and squeezed the brakes.

FL: (What just happened) WTF?!!! Chase, HeliBO, chase, follow them!!!

HeliBOs: (all under control) Chase our own break away? Really? Seriously? Have you not raced before? OK, never mind, don’t answer that.

But a dude in white, in blue and in yellow went around the HeliBos and chased the breakaway. The left over HeliBO’s didn’t even bother. Instead, they took out the cameras and posed for some pics. Remaining FL’s cursed in several languages.

Seeing the breakaways disappearing, the Crap finally ordered the left over HeliBOs to resume racing. Tubs & Ninja went to work. Another scream is heard.

BOat: (screaming like a girl) Puncture, puncture!!!

Casualty number two...  No matter, Crap’s order were clear, win FL.

Up front, things got really boring, the herd just rode. Goat later on claims there was a lot of stories... But he can’t remember any... Let’s just leave him...

Back at the break away HeliBOs Pluggie and Panda is cooking on the pace. Latching dropped palookas from earlier groups. Larry & RoBOcop after done with their job, relaxed and dropping back.

Further back at left over HeliBOs, Tubs & Ninja did push and pull, peloton shrunk to about 20. Crap bored out of his socks...

Much further back, BOat is forced to quit (moron forgot to bring spares), Whale begin chasing. Taggie & Dev 1 got separated.

Bouncing between 45km/h and 25km/h, the leftover HeliBOs worked with the two vets in red to keep pace, picked up Larry but lost RoBOcop. The teamies enjoyed some peaceful riding until another scream is heard...

Tubs: (screaming like a girl) Ah, ah, chain slip, chain slip!!!

EveryBOdy: (calm) Don’t panic, change to the big chainring.

Tubs: (swallowed viagra) Ah, ah, ah, ah, chain caught on rear deraileur, rear deraileur cage snapped, rear deraileur caught in spokes, my freaking new Shitram Tour Edition Red and Easton EC90 SL wheels!!!!! Ah, ah, just kill me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Casualty number three...  No matter, Crap’s order were clear, win FL.

The teamies rode on until the 60km mark when a group of seriously fast riders from IL arrived. Six riders from Barloworld Equipment who had no business in IL is gunning at + 50km/h. BObbie seeing the chance called to latch on. The left over FL peloton is now reduced to perhaps 8 including Larry, Ninja, BObbie, Stache and ‘Tall. Since the attack came at a hill, Crap are now lost as well.

No matter, Crap’s order were clear, win FL.

Way up front at Springs, Goat is tossed by the VB again. In tears and ready to fall on grass to sleep until a fellow drop out started chatting to the Goat about his life stories. That kept the Goat goign until the second peloton of VB picked them up and took them home. Sulking, lonely and with his teamies still on the road, Goat cried into his car and went back home with a 2h40, ha-puey...

By then, Pluggie and Panda has dropped the FL White, FL Yellow and FL Blue. Latched on with drop outs from BL and CL and begin the final assault. Panda’s HR monitor is screaming at him. Pluggie light up a smoke...

Not far back now the Barlow Equipments rotated and throws down a furious pace (see Garmin recordings at the end of the post). A few BL and CL jumped in including a Chinaman who BObbie claims is the first Chinaman that is faster than him. They soon picked up the FL White, Yellow and Blue. The two vets in red still hanging on toight. Together with Ninja, Larry, BObbie, Stache and ‘Tall, these are the only FL left with the crazy Barloworld Equipments and a mix of BL CL and DL’s.

And as they approached Carnival City, the left over HeliBOs are now wondering if they can keep going much longer. But the three hung tough. At least Pluggie and Panda has not been chased back.

Apparoaching the finish and with an attack launched, Pluggie bit his tongue and followed toward the finish. Panda missed the break had to finish on his own. Still heart broken by The Local, Pluggie tumbles across the line at 2h50, Panda, came through at 2h51 and secured First and Second for HeliBO. An excellent start for the new sponsor Helivac and gave the team two out of two wins for year 2012.

Over the highway the Barloworld Equipments and the fast Chinaman is running low on fumes. BObbie, Stache and ‘Tall now moves up front. Seeing this, FL White, Yellow, Blue and the two vets in red are all moving up front. But the stronger two from Barloworld Equipments and the fast Chinaman gave one last attack toward the zig zag choke points and so did the HeliBOs. Ninja, Larry and the FL Colours just couldn’t keep pace.

With no logical explanation, Stache, BObbie and ‘Tall all lying low ready to attack Barloworld Equipments and the fast Chinaman. About half way up the final hill finish Stache attacked, bumping a poor, minding his own business CL dude and earned himself a new nickname the “killer”. BObbie after steadying the poor CL fellow first jumped the Barloworld Equipments to counter their counter. But they are spent. BObbie follows Stache and the two secures 3rd and 4th (albeit the idiotic BObbie forgot his timing chip) at 2h52. ‘Tall follows the boys in at 2h53.

The teamies met up with Pluggie and Panda to celebrate. Thanking Barloworld Equipments and fellow FL Colours for a solid ride.

Without any prearranged strat sessions, the teamies clicked with each other, and rode an almost perfect race and a solid time.

They still have teamies on the road and a Helivac tent to wait in, apparently hot, sexy masseurs and cold beers are there waiting for them... NOT!!! No matter, they still had Tubs who quickly arranged beers from the awesome club Slippies! 

One by one, the teamies arrive with the Crap finishing another strong time of 3h03 considering his only training is involved walking with Johnny.

The days ends with some superb curry made by Tubs’ wife and BObbie eating even the kid’s portion, the fat BOstard...

Next up, Dischem Ride for Sight.

P.S. On a related front, a complaint was filed at the Hub. Fellow cyclists could not understand why the HeliBOs who are FL are sprinting the finish in CL and DL group. Oops...


P.S.S. Special bravery award to Dev 1, who was chewned by the Goat to eat & drink on a bike and then she flipped over whilst eating and drinking on her Ducati. She finished the race with a fractured hand. Casualty number four, but no matter, Crap’s order were clear, win FL.