The 2013 94.7 Cycle Challenge Race Report - Wedding Crashers!!!
First, let's us say a temporary goodbye to our fearless, courageous and invisible leader the Craptain. After he surfaced to show that fat BOb how to ride a fast TIME with a 2h48, the rest of the plebs will not see him again for another while. This is how he does it, to remind ju he's still the crap. This, is why, he's the Crap.
Now that we got the crap out of the way, let's get on with the race report.
The Chicken, The Lolly and the Pop raced too, the end.
(BOd note: Solly, it's not that we don't care about the race report, it's just that, well, we have nothing to report. At least until such TIME the Crap, or the Lolly, or the Chicken, or the Pop send us something, so for now, we will report on what we do know!!!)
Which is, just TMI, so let's do a running diary, B.O. style!!!!
Very early in the morning - All B.O.'s are still asleep, what the heck do you think they'd be doing? OK, besides pa, he's dreaming about where to launch an attack and the Crap had a nightmare that BObbie rode his fast bike...
Sometime in the morning when participants should be in the cage waiting - Action station! Action station! Women and children first, there is fire in the hull and while the GaatDev is chewing their nails and the BObbie downing another croissant, LaniBOwife is looking for the race numbers... Yes, the B.O.'s are late as usual. Eventually the convoy does leave Roodepoort, but the arranged convoy meet between TallieTag, DinkiCop, WhaleBumchum and GaatieDevLaniBOwifeBOb is not happening. Traffic is jam packed.
Close to the TIME to start - TallieTag is dressed up and is ready to roll, but they can't find anyBOdy. Dinki as usual needs RoBOcop to hold his hand is not gonna get the parking pass promised by that no good Guangdong sausage the Lani. WhaleBumchum sends out SMS to everyBOdy informing everyBOdy that there is a traffic jam when everyBOdy is already queuing. GaatieDev saw the queue and decided to be clever and parked about 17km from the start. LaniBOwife and tag alone BOb decided to be smarter and timed their emergency parking better, 16.99km. Free VIP parking passes for paper airplanes...
We are about to start - BObbie already fainted climbing his third hill to the start, they lost GaatieDev somewhere. Team B.O. Wedding Party decided to just roll into the starting cage and when the group is released to slow on left and hook up. WhaleBumchum barely made into the parking and begin to assemble the Sound Machine.
In the Cage - OK, so that's not an accurate description of TIME, but what do you know anyway. Besides, somewhere up front the Crap thought BObbie is racing on his fast bike is cranking the TIME of his life and puking lungs. The BOb on the other hand... Anyway, the B.O.'s are seeing a lot of threats to TallieTag's plan on winning the honeymoon. Dinks bought confetti for a race ending parade, Lani loosens the nuts on some competitors whilst da BOb chewn them some crap... Oh and LOOK what we found?!!! Tubs on a tandem!!! With whisky in his camelbak! Dinki is ready to party!!! At last the peloton is released, B.O.'s slowly finds each other and let the Wedding Party begin!!!
On the M1 - Team B.O. Wedding Party rolled onto the M1, this is rather spectacular especially for BOwife who's riding it the first TIME. Lani and Gaatie initiate the music since the Whale and his Sound Machine is somewhere but not on M1. For most of the B.O.'s, this is the first 94 Cycle Challenge they did not have to breath blood so early in the race. AT least for now, the 94 still can compare relatively well to the Argus.
Approaching Hospital Hill - Bobbie's curse is at work again, Tubs on a tandem had his chain caught and jammed the derailleur, there goes Tub's race. But the show must go on. Team B.O. Wedding Party is getting a lot of attention, everyone riding pass and spectators are all shouting congratulatory words. Tallie is smiling ear to ear until she decided to rim a crack, Whale style. The front wheel was caught in a seam on the concrete highway and her bike folded, taking her down. Tallie didn't exactly plaster the tar like that fat Whale, but she crashed her own wedding. As per Team B.O. requirement, every B.O. jumped off their bike and started laughing at her before they carried out first aid, Taggie included.
TIME to fly down Joe Slovo - the B.O.'s got back on their bikes and discovered they lost RoBOcop and Dev on the climb up Hospital Hill. No matter, the party must go on, we will find them on the way. And since they are heading into to town, the spectators are filling the street. the support just gets better every year!!!
From the Joe Slovo up onto the M2, down pass Gundi Square and up to the grand Nelson Mandela Bridge. Zooming through town without a care for the usual live threatening cars and their angry gestures, the B.O.'s are experiencing something entirely different from their routine racing ways of hoping not to trip over on the cobbles.
It's about TIME BObbie is hungry now - BObbie: (hungry) I am hungry guys... And we are barely at the 20km mark. To date, noBOdy understands why BObbie eats so much. No matter, the B.O. Wedding party heads up towards Rosebank and there is a Fournos at Dunkeld. This part of the ride is where the riches of Johannesburg curses at cyclists for using their road and disrupt their Sunday breakfast, at least the cyclists won't be cramping up Fournos... oh wait...
Especially when BObbie cut to the front of the queue and claimed he has a race to catch... Oh wait what did the BObbie find?!!!
Great shot, NOT... let's just move on...
TIME to move on - So we did. Earlier on, much earlier on, a Crap with blood coming out of his nostrils is looking for the BObbie, he can barely see straight. Meanwhile, much much further back... the BObbie took a take away... four more chocolate croissants...
And whilst the rest of participants struggles up the Queen stages of the race, BObbie wants another break...
They are still missing a Dev and a RoBOcop. Gaat concerned phones up Dev to check her whereabout. Dinki concerned phones up E for a quickie arrangement ahead at the Witkoppen.
TIME for a quickie - Dinki had E waiting by a street lamp on Witkoppen for some quickie. After his smooching session is over, he found RoBOcop and GaatBOb.
Dinki: (WTF) Why are you two still here?
Gaatie: (it's all Bob's fault) What I know?
BObbie: (it's all Gaat's fault) What I know?
With RoBOcop holding Dinki's hands, the two led the chase back to the Wedding Party and pass the Wedding party and the BObbie needs some ice cream...
And the crap begins - It's TIME to begin the second part of the dreaded journey on the N14. it's barren, windy and crowd support wanes. The temperature by now is lasagne and there is nothing to see except a hill after another hill after another hill. At the front the Crap begins to cramp, and he still sees no BObbie, panicking, he swallows another Rennies and soldiers on. At the back, realising they had lost the Party, the Dinks and RoBOcop waits at the water stop. Gaatie and BOb decided to chase them down... well, so they say...
Physiotherapists: (concerned) Are you All right? Where are you hurting?
BObbie: (making up stories) ehm, er, hamstring, hamstring!!! Oh I am so sore!!!!!!! SomeBOdy save my soul!!!!
Gaat: (making up another story) Ah!!!!!!! The heat, I am dehydrated, I need some water!!!!! Ice cold!!!! SomeBOdy save my whatever it is I need saving!!!!
Rest of the Wedding Party: (bastards) I can't believe those two morons faked injuries to get massages!!!
Lani: (too afraid to join them as he has a wife to face)...
DinkiCop: (where the eff are there guys) Where are they, they don't need this long to get here?!!!
BObbie: (So relaxing) Ah yes, yes, a bit up, yes, yes, you got the spot!!!
Gaat: (shaking his body like the famed Bond scene when Halle Berry appeared out of the ocean whilst the security guard run the water down on him...) Yes, oh yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Somewhere at the back, much further back... about 2785kg...
All good things must end. Gaatie and BOb left paradise and chased back to the Wedding Party. And it is at this critical TIME in TIME, that the unspeakable happened.
Famed for his extra ordinary ways of sacrificing himself instead the needs of insurance companies, the Lani often TIMEs arrived back home with scatter piece of the bike and cuts on his body. Concerned yet never witnessing the horror in real TIME, the BOwife, surrounded by sheer joy and laughter in one second, witnessed a poor Oom struggling up the hill of N14, forced to stop onto the yellow lanes so he can repair a puncture, without a hint of the assault he is about to endure, was smashed by the full force of a 6kg bike, 76kg of dumpling and her Guangdong Sausage at an speed excess of 35km/h. It's as if she was witnessing a thriller on MNet, where a token victim were trapped inside a car on a railway junction with the train ramming down at him full speed, SMASH!!!!!
The smack down was so severe, so powerful, that the rear wheel clamped in by cassette and chains and locked in by a skewer, barely miss the BOb on its way to Mars. The Oom pasted tar like a piece of borewors felling off a braai rack, then blessed by the braai rack, then adding insults to injury a Chinese Guandong Sausage invades his sacred South African meal.
As per Team B.O. regulation, teamies got off their bike and laughed at the Lani. Then they peeled the Lani off the wreckage.
EveryBOdy: (concerned) Lani, Lani, you alive?!!!
Lani: (shaken but not stirred) Ai, me OK, no problems, how's my bike?!!!
BObbie: (already checking) No problem, think your tubbie has burst and that's about it, no new bike for you...
Gaat: (peeling Lani off the wreckage) Lani I think you killing the Oom. Get off him...
BOwife: (freaked out) And you are worried about your bike?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fortunately the Lani bounced right back up. Teamies calmed the Oom down and waited for the medics to arrive. Except this Oom is one tough Boerewors. He peeled himself off tar and insist the BObbie help him to put the bike back together so he can finish his race. Seeing the Oom is stable, Gaatie waved off the Wedding party to go ahead whilst the Lani catches the sweep vehicle and the BObbie fixing the Oom's bike.
Even with the added persuasion from the medics, the Oom refuses to stop and rode away after BObbie fixed his bike. Oom Toughie, if you are reading this, it was an accident and we apologise on behalf of that Guandong Sausage. He really didn't mean it. It was an accident. We hope you finished the race strong and you have checked and made sure you are OK. But you are a tough one. Respect!
It's TIME to finish strong - It's TIME for the BObbie to conquer his cramps over shrimp hills and finish the Wedding Party in celebration. Gaatie pushed fat BOb back to the Wedding Party whom has picked up DinkiCop. The teamies FELT a sausage missing but the party must go on. Up front, a near death Craptain realised he has been conned by the BOb but he rode a brilliant TIME considering he's lack of training and proved this is why, he's the Craptain.
By now, the road narrows, the landscape bores, the teamies are baking under the scorching sun and the pretty diamente decorations on Tallie's bike no longer attracts encouragement. EveryBOdy on the road is now suffering, OK, maybe not the Dinki and the Gaat, they are Animal Farms for a reason. But the rest of the party wouldn't mind seeing the final hill disappear so they can celebrate a day that shall dwell in the memories of the happy couple and their blessed pals on a journey of a life TIME.
As the teamies approaches the final hill, they found a Dev waiting, as if it was the plan all along. And as the teamies rolls down the final hill, Dinki who prepared the confetti to the surprise of TallieTag, had Tallie in tears as the teamies rode out into a V shape, guiding the groom and the bride to be into the final straight with crowds roaring in encouragement and blessing, confetti flying. It may not be romantic when all you can feel is the salty sweat down your cheeks and the swelling pain in your legs, but you will never forget what your teamies did for you on a day that you will always remember and be shared many TIMEs over.
So will the dude on a yellow bike right in front of the B.O.'s thinking the roar of cheering was for him. But OK, enjoy the moment, happiness be shared.
(BOd note: We regret to advise although BObbie and Lani tried to have the drones to film the finish, it was just too difficult on an eventful day and BObbie was too busy celebrating and forgot to shoot the finish rather. We promise to punish him by taking away his donuts...)
(BOd note plus: Tru story zies, upon hearing Lani crashed out of the party, Dev: (Really?!) Did you take photos?!!! The Dev, she's ready for her B.O.)
(More BOd note: TallieTag didn't win the prize, as it was a draw and not a judgement. Every Teamie that was at the finish knows no other competitors, albeit all deserving, would have beaten our finish...)
(And another BOd note: Much much later, poor Whale and his bumchum finally dragged the Sound Machine across the finish line. Still LOOKing for his teamies...)
Now that we got the crap out of the way, let's get on with the race report.
The Chicken, The Lolly and the Pop raced too, the end.
(BOd note: Solly, it's not that we don't care about the race report, it's just that, well, we have nothing to report. At least until such TIME the Crap, or the Lolly, or the Chicken, or the Pop send us something, so for now, we will report on what we do know!!!)
Which is, just TMI, so let's do a running diary, B.O. style!!!!
Very early in the morning - All B.O.'s are still asleep, what the heck do you think they'd be doing? OK, besides pa, he's dreaming about where to launch an attack and the Crap had a nightmare that BObbie rode his fast bike...
Sometime in the morning when participants should be in the cage waiting - Action station! Action station! Women and children first, there is fire in the hull and while the GaatDev is chewing their nails and the BObbie downing another croissant, LaniBOwife is looking for the race numbers... Yes, the B.O.'s are late as usual. Eventually the convoy does leave Roodepoort, but the arranged convoy meet between TallieTag, DinkiCop, WhaleBumchum and GaatieDevLaniBOwifeBOb is not happening. Traffic is jam packed.
Close to the TIME to start - TallieTag is dressed up and is ready to roll, but they can't find anyBOdy. Dinki as usual needs RoBOcop to hold his hand is not gonna get the parking pass promised by that no good Guangdong sausage the Lani. WhaleBumchum sends out SMS to everyBOdy informing everyBOdy that there is a traffic jam when everyBOdy is already queuing. GaatieDev saw the queue and decided to be clever and parked about 17km from the start. LaniBOwife and tag alone BOb decided to be smarter and timed their emergency parking better, 16.99km. Free VIP parking passes for paper airplanes...
We are about to start - BObbie already fainted climbing his third hill to the start, they lost GaatieDev somewhere. Team B.O. Wedding Party decided to just roll into the starting cage and when the group is released to slow on left and hook up. WhaleBumchum barely made into the parking and begin to assemble the Sound Machine.
On the M1 - Team B.O. Wedding Party rolled onto the M1, this is rather spectacular especially for BOwife who's riding it the first TIME. Lani and Gaatie initiate the music since the Whale and his Sound Machine is somewhere but not on M1. For most of the B.O.'s, this is the first 94 Cycle Challenge they did not have to breath blood so early in the race. AT least for now, the 94 still can compare relatively well to the Argus.
Approaching Hospital Hill - Bobbie's curse is at work again, Tubs on a tandem had his chain caught and jammed the derailleur, there goes Tub's race. But the show must go on. Team B.O. Wedding Party is getting a lot of attention, everyone riding pass and spectators are all shouting congratulatory words. Tallie is smiling ear to ear until she decided to rim a crack, Whale style. The front wheel was caught in a seam on the concrete highway and her bike folded, taking her down. Tallie didn't exactly plaster the tar like that fat Whale, but she crashed her own wedding. As per Team B.O. requirement, every B.O. jumped off their bike and started laughing at her before they carried out first aid, Taggie included.
TIME to fly down Joe Slovo - the B.O.'s got back on their bikes and discovered they lost RoBOcop and Dev on the climb up Hospital Hill. No matter, the party must go on, we will find them on the way. And since they are heading into to town, the spectators are filling the street. the support just gets better every year!!!
From the Joe Slovo up onto the M2, down pass Gundi Square and up to the grand Nelson Mandela Bridge. Zooming through town without a care for the usual live threatening cars and their angry gestures, the B.O.'s are experiencing something entirely different from their routine racing ways of hoping not to trip over on the cobbles.
It's about TIME BObbie is hungry now - BObbie: (hungry) I am hungry guys... And we are barely at the 20km mark. To date, noBOdy understands why BObbie eats so much. No matter, the B.O. Wedding party heads up towards Rosebank and there is a Fournos at Dunkeld. This part of the ride is where the riches of Johannesburg curses at cyclists for using their road and disrupt their Sunday breakfast, at least the cyclists won't be cramping up Fournos... oh wait...
Especially when BObbie cut to the front of the queue and claimed he has a race to catch... Oh wait what did the BObbie find?!!!
Great shot, NOT... let's just move on...
TIME to move on - So we did. Earlier on, much earlier on, a Crap with blood coming out of his nostrils is looking for the BObbie, he can barely see straight. Meanwhile, much much further back... the BObbie took a take away... four more chocolate croissants...
And whilst the rest of participants struggles up the Queen stages of the race, BObbie wants another break...
They are still missing a Dev and a RoBOcop. Gaat concerned phones up Dev to check her whereabout. Dinki concerned phones up E for a quickie arrangement ahead at the Witkoppen.
TIME for a quickie - Dinki had E waiting by a street lamp on Witkoppen for some quickie. After his smooching session is over, he found RoBOcop and GaatBOb.
Dinki: (WTF) Why are you two still here?
Gaatie: (it's all Bob's fault) What I know?
BObbie: (it's all Gaat's fault) What I know?
With RoBOcop holding Dinki's hands, the two led the chase back to the Wedding Party and pass the Wedding party and the BObbie needs some ice cream...
And the crap begins - It's TIME to begin the second part of the dreaded journey on the N14. it's barren, windy and crowd support wanes. The temperature by now is lasagne and there is nothing to see except a hill after another hill after another hill. At the front the Crap begins to cramp, and he still sees no BObbie, panicking, he swallows another Rennies and soldiers on. At the back, realising they had lost the Party, the Dinks and RoBOcop waits at the water stop. Gaatie and BOb decided to chase them down... well, so they say...
Physiotherapists: (concerned) Are you All right? Where are you hurting?
BObbie: (making up stories) ehm, er, hamstring, hamstring!!! Oh I am so sore!!!!!!! SomeBOdy save my soul!!!!
Gaat: (making up another story) Ah!!!!!!! The heat, I am dehydrated, I need some water!!!!! Ice cold!!!! SomeBOdy save my whatever it is I need saving!!!!
Rest of the Wedding Party: (bastards) I can't believe those two morons faked injuries to get massages!!!
Lani: (too afraid to join them as he has a wife to face)...
DinkiCop: (where the eff are there guys) Where are they, they don't need this long to get here?!!!
BObbie: (So relaxing) Ah yes, yes, a bit up, yes, yes, you got the spot!!!
Gaat: (shaking his body like the famed Bond scene when Halle Berry appeared out of the ocean whilst the security guard run the water down on him...) Yes, oh yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Somewhere at the back, much further back... about 2785kg...
All good things must end. Gaatie and BOb left paradise and chased back to the Wedding Party. And it is at this critical TIME in TIME, that the unspeakable happened.
Famed for his extra ordinary ways of sacrificing himself instead the needs of insurance companies, the Lani often TIMEs arrived back home with scatter piece of the bike and cuts on his body. Concerned yet never witnessing the horror in real TIME, the BOwife, surrounded by sheer joy and laughter in one second, witnessed a poor Oom struggling up the hill of N14, forced to stop onto the yellow lanes so he can repair a puncture, without a hint of the assault he is about to endure, was smashed by the full force of a 6kg bike, 76kg of dumpling and her Guangdong Sausage at an speed excess of 35km/h. It's as if she was witnessing a thriller on MNet, where a token victim were trapped inside a car on a railway junction with the train ramming down at him full speed, SMASH!!!!!
The smack down was so severe, so powerful, that the rear wheel clamped in by cassette and chains and locked in by a skewer, barely miss the BOb on its way to Mars. The Oom pasted tar like a piece of borewors felling off a braai rack, then blessed by the braai rack, then adding insults to injury a Chinese Guandong Sausage invades his sacred South African meal.
As per Team B.O. regulation, teamies got off their bike and laughed at the Lani. Then they peeled the Lani off the wreckage.
EveryBOdy: (concerned) Lani, Lani, you alive?!!!
Lani: (shaken but not stirred) Ai, me OK, no problems, how's my bike?!!!
BObbie: (already checking) No problem, think your tubbie has burst and that's about it, no new bike for you...
Gaat: (peeling Lani off the wreckage) Lani I think you killing the Oom. Get off him...
BOwife: (freaked out) And you are worried about your bike?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fortunately the Lani bounced right back up. Teamies calmed the Oom down and waited for the medics to arrive. Except this Oom is one tough Boerewors. He peeled himself off tar and insist the BObbie help him to put the bike back together so he can finish his race. Seeing the Oom is stable, Gaatie waved off the Wedding party to go ahead whilst the Lani catches the sweep vehicle and the BObbie fixing the Oom's bike.
Even with the added persuasion from the medics, the Oom refuses to stop and rode away after BObbie fixed his bike. Oom Toughie, if you are reading this, it was an accident and we apologise on behalf of that Guandong Sausage. He really didn't mean it. It was an accident. We hope you finished the race strong and you have checked and made sure you are OK. But you are a tough one. Respect!
It's TIME to finish strong - It's TIME for the BObbie to conquer his cramps over shrimp hills and finish the Wedding Party in celebration. Gaatie pushed fat BOb back to the Wedding Party whom has picked up DinkiCop. The teamies FELT a sausage missing but the party must go on. Up front, a near death Craptain realised he has been conned by the BOb but he rode a brilliant TIME considering he's lack of training and proved this is why, he's the Craptain.
By now, the road narrows, the landscape bores, the teamies are baking under the scorching sun and the pretty diamente decorations on Tallie's bike no longer attracts encouragement. EveryBOdy on the road is now suffering, OK, maybe not the Dinki and the Gaat, they are Animal Farms for a reason. But the rest of the party wouldn't mind seeing the final hill disappear so they can celebrate a day that shall dwell in the memories of the happy couple and their blessed pals on a journey of a life TIME.
As the teamies approaches the final hill, they found a Dev waiting, as if it was the plan all along. And as the teamies rolls down the final hill, Dinki who prepared the confetti to the surprise of TallieTag, had Tallie in tears as the teamies rode out into a V shape, guiding the groom and the bride to be into the final straight with crowds roaring in encouragement and blessing, confetti flying. It may not be romantic when all you can feel is the salty sweat down your cheeks and the swelling pain in your legs, but you will never forget what your teamies did for you on a day that you will always remember and be shared many TIMEs over.
So will the dude on a yellow bike right in front of the B.O.'s thinking the roar of cheering was for him. But OK, enjoy the moment, happiness be shared.
(BOd note: We regret to advise although BObbie and Lani tried to have the drones to film the finish, it was just too difficult on an eventful day and BObbie was too busy celebrating and forgot to shoot the finish rather. We promise to punish him by taking away his donuts...)
(BOd note plus: Tru story zies, upon hearing Lani crashed out of the party, Dev: (Really?!) Did you take photos?!!! The Dev, she's ready for her B.O.)
(More BOd note: TallieTag didn't win the prize, as it was a draw and not a judgement. Every Teamie that was at the finish knows no other competitors, albeit all deserving, would have beaten our finish...)
(And another BOd note: Much much later, poor Whale and his bumchum finally dragged the Sound Machine across the finish line. Still LOOKing for his teamies...)
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