94 Special Report 5 - The Real Race Report
Lani have never liked the Momentum Cycle Challenge that is commonly known amongst cyclist as the 94. A festive person, Lani wants vibes, festivity, boerewors rolls and coke. It is why he loves Argus and thinks 94 is just a pretentious race. And 94 is getting harder. The route now almost never have long sections of flats. You are either going up or going down, fast. It's fine when you not racing, but it's damn hard when your average speed is in excess of 35km/h. And whilst it is the second largest cycling event in South Africa that annually draws around 25000 cyclist onto the full road closure course, Team B.O. have never really felt welcomed on the road. The support groups are small and insincere. BObbie remembers passing Dunkeld where the real lani's are sipping coffee and watching as if the cyclists are ruining their usual dull Sundays.
So the mood toightens when the teammies gathered for one last diabolical training session.
After he lernt his lessons, Applicont4 went to the Expo to get equipped right...
(Team B.O. Seniles: zies kid is lerning fast!)
Goat eventually did the team proud by finally riding in the VB group. Since he practically chokes every 94, he decided this year must be different. He must physically and mentally prepare himself. He must sleep away from home. He must choose a teammie's bed to share. He chose 'Pa's.
Lani: (upset) WTF?!!! I offer ju the best food!!!
Goat: (seriase) Ja, but after what BObabies did to zie BObbie at Argus, not a chance!
BObbie: (planned out) We eat pasta and den we play Tekken till the morning. Then we can catch Pluggie in "One Last Stand". He didn't stand long so we can still get sum sleep.
Goat: (almost swayed) oh...
'Pa: (advil) FOCUS!!!
As Pluggies witnessed, the night before 'Pa is always ready. He may not be ready after the race, but he's ready before. Goat tried to lern form the best.
The morning of the race finally arrived (Ed. note: those who stayed up to watch "One Last Stand" please tell me what happened? I have to sleep for the race. Did Pluggie finally stand?). Goat starting at VB was the first to go. And go the VB's did. Goat spent so much energy chasing them from M1 to Rosebank before he finally latched to the leading peloton and smartly sat. Until N14 when they slowly but surely leaving the Goat with a toight group of 10. The Goat went to the front immediately (Enire Team B.O.: (shaking their heads) here we go...). The toight group of 10 thanked the Goat for his idiocy and left him after they turned off N14. You know the rest... Goat still came up with a 2h40.
The Panda & Ninja started at B without the 'Pa because he's just so advil. We don't really know what happened to Panda as he was pretty sad at the end when the teammies gathered. But shit happens. He will be back stronger. But the shit did happen. BObbie who escaped two murder attempts by the Ninja and can only get in two training rides in the five weeks leading up to the race had S/T'ed the whole winter, keeping a fat profile and was ready to improve his previous best could only watch the stealthy Ninja secretly trained, kept a dark profile, sat quietly amongst the B groups and kicked BObbie in his nuts and came up with a 2h50 (Ed. note: yep, BObbie & Ninja is feuding and we had to restrain BObbie...).
'Pa was next up at C. Him & Panda has had a long season and both were pretty much finished after so many races. We expect both to slaughter sum poor palookas at the final 2011 race for Team B.O. at Stone Heaven.
Up next at E, BObbie & Lani decided to park right next to a mobile toilet and take a leak before they ride 2km to the starting cage. As usual when BObbie is around, this mobile toilet don't flush. The two arrived at the cage early and lined up waiting for Pluggie the porn star and Larry. The wait was long and BObbie fell asleep. Eventually they were released. Pluggie gunned it out of the gate and Larry wasn't slow either. BObbie & Lani were left at the back.
BObbie hates the M1. Palookas loves to ride hard early and M1 is mostly up. And you don't want to be left on your own on the M1. By the time you get to Hospital Hill you will see them all anyway. And BObbie picked up the Pluggie who clearly spent too maach time standing. BObbie tried to get Pluggie back but he's feeling fresh (Ed. note: after 5 weeks, you better be fresh) and don't wanna miss the peloton. So he did what he normally wouldn't, left Pluggie & Lani on their own and went chasing. He regretted the decision almost immediately. On his own just sucks. But maybe he can get Larry up front.
But Larry is steaming away. BObbie by now got himself back at the second peloton and the first where Larry is is about 500m away. But they couldn't close and the pace is picking up even more. Off M2 the course did their routine JHB CBD pass, BObbie was pleasantly surprised that not only did the taxis' pumped up their boom box, there were actually crowds cheering and clapping. And up we go up Madiba!!! Yeah!!! And it didn't stop here. There were more supporters genuinely cheering you on towards Rosebank and amazingly, at Dunkeld! BObbie is all cheered up now! This is awesome! This had a Argus feel! But those racing tubbies were fast. So fast BObbie was actually freaking out down Jan Smut. By now the roads are jamming up. You can latch to groups at ease and BObbie has lost sights of his pelotons and Larry. No matter, with crowds like this it's fun!
Zipping through the street of Randburg BObbie eventually arrived at Witkoppen. A long drag and a klap before you get on the feared N14. By now BObbie knows he's not gonna make it. The race pace is just too maach for his fat ass. Wait for Lani & Pluggie or go look for Larry. Yep, you guessed it. there are just not many brights ones at Team B.O....
And BObbie found Larry on N14. Knowing the road home are dull, boring, with the 3 sisters waiting to smack you, BObbie decided to sit with Larry. But the pelotons are riding away. This time the two teammies got left behind on their own. And here comes the cramps. No matter, BObbie is prepared this year. He brought along sum... $#@*&^#(*&@&#*@(&#@^&#%^$&*@.... Never mind... This is gonna be a long day for BObbie...
BObbie who famously cramped up at the finish last year and crashed the Powerade stand decided he ain't gonna do that again. He waved Larry to go and decide to stretch on the side of the road. couple of times until a familiar laughter... It's the Lani. He lost Pluggie and found BObbie "shrimping" on the side of the road...
The two teammies rode on, cramp, stop, shrimp and repeat (OK, so it was only the BObbie, Lani was sight seeing and getting cheered on by Bar One Girls).
And out of no where they FELT a wind so hard it smacked BObbie right off his TIME. Lani quickly LOOKed.
It's the glorious Craptain stamping hard on his tour winning colour steed cuming furiously for the final stretch. Yep, the same Crap who could hardly stay sober with black lungs from 6 packs a day. The same Crap whose arch enemy Katy had the odds of 500:1 still accepted the challenge after his subjects turned on him and betted on the SF100WSD instead of him.
The Crap crossed the line holding out his hand in a pistol shape, bang his chest, looked at his subjects and fired... Katy is no where to be seen.
(Ed. note: Taliban, Tubs and Stache who did not ride in B.O. colours is not mentioned. But they were there...)
Lani & BObbie raised both of their hands in the air and celebrated as if they were Aaron Brown and crossed the line. Crowds, organizes, fans, everyBOdy think they are idiots...
Katy crossed soon after.
Back on the road, The Sound Machine Group (Whale, 'Tall and Applicont4) is working hard and working up the crowds, the organizers and the cyclists!!!
And at the finish, The teammies gathered to share their sorrows and pains. Except the Crap & MFS Ninja, who are celebrating!
Verdict: Best organized, supported and festive 94, ever!
The team will gather for their final race of the season at the Stone Heaven Massacre Classics.
So the mood toightens when the teammies gathered for one last diabolical training session.
'Tall woke up so early she couldn't decide which sock looks better...
'Tall: no, no... only honey in my coffee please...
Anatomic huh? Zies Applicont just don't get it...
Ninja & Panda are fan boys...
Lani: wala, wala, wala, wala...
Yep, we not sure if 'Pa's constipated or just advil. But yes, you'd be right, that is Pluggie, the same guy you saw who was the lead actor of "One Last Stand" on eTV at 00h00. And yes, we know you watch it.
As requested by our female readers, here he is again, Senor Tdidilibangbangtididilibong. According to reliable sources, he did stand, just not very long.
Stache: (upset) I have a stache, how cum I don't get to be a porn star?!!!
BObaby1 bored out of his socks...
The training begins!!!
(2785 Rabid Fans: (had enough) Do you guys ever train at all?!!!)
(Entire Team B.O.: [burps]...)
BObaby2: (hungry) Gr... ga ga... my food...
BObbie: Not anymore!!!
BObaby2 ain't gonna let BObbie get the best of him...
After he lernt his lessons, Applicont4 went to the Expo to get equipped right...
(Team B.O. Seniles: zies kid is lerning fast!)
Goat eventually did the team proud by finally riding in the VB group. Since he practically chokes every 94, he decided this year must be different. He must physically and mentally prepare himself. He must sleep away from home. He must choose a teammie's bed to share. He chose 'Pa's.
Lani: (upset) WTF?!!! I offer ju the best food!!!
Goat: (seriase) Ja, but after what BObabies did to zie BObbie at Argus, not a chance!
BObbie: (planned out) We eat pasta and den we play Tekken till the morning. Then we can catch Pluggie in "One Last Stand". He didn't stand long so we can still get sum sleep.
Goat: (almost swayed) oh...
'Pa: (advil) FOCUS!!!
As Pluggies witnessed, the night before 'Pa is always ready. He may not be ready after the race, but he's ready before. Goat tried to lern form the best.
The morning of the race finally arrived (Ed. note: those who stayed up to watch "One Last Stand" please tell me what happened? I have to sleep for the race. Did Pluggie finally stand?). Goat starting at VB was the first to go. And go the VB's did. Goat spent so much energy chasing them from M1 to Rosebank before he finally latched to the leading peloton and smartly sat. Until N14 when they slowly but surely leaving the Goat with a toight group of 10. The Goat went to the front immediately (Enire Team B.O.: (shaking their heads) here we go...). The toight group of 10 thanked the Goat for his idiocy and left him after they turned off N14. You know the rest... Goat still came up with a 2h40.
The Panda & Ninja started at B without the 'Pa because he's just so advil. We don't really know what happened to Panda as he was pretty sad at the end when the teammies gathered. But shit happens. He will be back stronger. But the shit did happen. BObbie who escaped two murder attempts by the Ninja and can only get in two training rides in the five weeks leading up to the race had S/T'ed the whole winter, keeping a fat profile and was ready to improve his previous best could only watch the stealthy Ninja secretly trained, kept a dark profile, sat quietly amongst the B groups and kicked BObbie in his nuts and came up with a 2h50 (Ed. note: yep, BObbie & Ninja is feuding and we had to restrain BObbie...).
The BObbie threatened Ninja with two swords...
Up next at E, BObbie & Lani decided to park right next to a mobile toilet and take a leak before they ride 2km to the starting cage. As usual when BObbie is around, this mobile toilet don't flush. The two arrived at the cage early and lined up waiting for Pluggie the porn star and Larry. The wait was long and BObbie fell asleep. Eventually they were released. Pluggie gunned it out of the gate and Larry wasn't slow either. BObbie & Lani were left at the back.
BObbie hates the M1. Palookas loves to ride hard early and M1 is mostly up. And you don't want to be left on your own on the M1. By the time you get to Hospital Hill you will see them all anyway. And BObbie picked up the Pluggie who clearly spent too maach time standing. BObbie tried to get Pluggie back but he's feeling fresh (Ed. note: after 5 weeks, you better be fresh) and don't wanna miss the peloton. So he did what he normally wouldn't, left Pluggie & Lani on their own and went chasing. He regretted the decision almost immediately. On his own just sucks. But maybe he can get Larry up front.
But Larry is steaming away. BObbie by now got himself back at the second peloton and the first where Larry is is about 500m away. But they couldn't close and the pace is picking up even more. Off M2 the course did their routine JHB CBD pass, BObbie was pleasantly surprised that not only did the taxis' pumped up their boom box, there were actually crowds cheering and clapping. And up we go up Madiba!!! Yeah!!! And it didn't stop here. There were more supporters genuinely cheering you on towards Rosebank and amazingly, at Dunkeld! BObbie is all cheered up now! This is awesome! This had a Argus feel! But those racing tubbies were fast. So fast BObbie was actually freaking out down Jan Smut. By now the roads are jamming up. You can latch to groups at ease and BObbie has lost sights of his pelotons and Larry. No matter, with crowds like this it's fun!
Zipping through the street of Randburg BObbie eventually arrived at Witkoppen. A long drag and a klap before you get on the feared N14. By now BObbie knows he's not gonna make it. The race pace is just too maach for his fat ass. Wait for Lani & Pluggie or go look for Larry. Yep, you guessed it. there are just not many brights ones at Team B.O....
And BObbie found Larry on N14. Knowing the road home are dull, boring, with the 3 sisters waiting to smack you, BObbie decided to sit with Larry. But the pelotons are riding away. This time the two teammies got left behind on their own. And here comes the cramps. No matter, BObbie is prepared this year. He brought along sum... $#@*&^#(*&@&#*@(&#@^&#%^$&*@.... Never mind... This is gonna be a long day for BObbie...
BObbie who famously cramped up at the finish last year and crashed the Powerade stand decided he ain't gonna do that again. He waved Larry to go and decide to stretch on the side of the road. couple of times until a familiar laughter... It's the Lani. He lost Pluggie and found BObbie "shrimping" on the side of the road...
The two teammies rode on, cramp, stop, shrimp and repeat (OK, so it was only the BObbie, Lani was sight seeing and getting cheered on by Bar One Girls).
And out of no where they FELT a wind so hard it smacked BObbie right off his TIME. Lani quickly LOOKed.
It's the glorious Craptain stamping hard on his tour winning colour steed cuming furiously for the final stretch. Yep, the same Crap who could hardly stay sober with black lungs from 6 packs a day. The same Crap whose arch enemy Katy had the odds of 500:1 still accepted the challenge after his subjects turned on him and betted on the SF100WSD instead of him.
The Crap crossed the line holding out his hand in a pistol shape, bang his chest, looked at his subjects and fired... Katy is no where to be seen.
(Ed. note: Taliban, Tubs and Stache who did not ride in B.O. colours is not mentioned. But they were there...)
Lani & BObbie raised both of their hands in the air and celebrated as if they were Aaron Brown and crossed the line. Crowds, organizes, fans, everyBOdy think they are idiots...
Katy crossed soon after.
Back on the road, The Sound Machine Group (Whale, 'Tall and Applicont4) is working hard and working up the crowds, the organizers and the cyclists!!!
And at the finish, The teammies gathered to share their sorrows and pains. Except the Crap & MFS Ninja, who are celebrating!
LOOK, I am back!
Panda shoes Applicont4 how to dress arm warmers. Entire fashion world winces...
Crap: (A.S.) I am back!
Crap: Show me da money!
Crap welcuming...
Katy...
Panda just made it...
Eish...
Lani: No photos! Who let the reporters in?!!! Team Members only! You are not supposed to be here!!! No, no, signing sessions is after prize giving!!!
Powerade? Clearly you don't know zie Crap, there is no way it's Powerade inside...
Everyone is still keeping the healthy drinks. Crap still drinks...
'Pa still advil...
Verdict: Best organized, supported and festive 94, ever!
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