Team BO 94 Choke Report
On the morning of a race that the cycling legend Mr. Phil Liggett himself attends, a hairy laggard in his full race kit crouching slightly was shouting to a short and pudgy men in his tights. The face of these two expresses nothing but determination, fire and will. The shorter of the two extended his arms and grabbed the other by his shoulders, shook him and shouted at him “we slay the dragon today!!!”.
Although the taller man had a hint of doubt, he extended two of his fingers and pounded his chest, ready for war. He then extended his arms sky ward as if he was signal to the world that from today, he shall no longer be known as the choker. Today, he slay the dragon.
Then he saw a sign from heaven above. A black object flying straight at him, grew bigger as it closes in and smacks him right in the face.
“Shut the faak up you two gay muthafaakas! Some of us are trying to sleep!!!”.
Thus begins the journey of BOic and BObbie for the 94 Momentum Cycle Challenge.
The two clowns arrived at race ground only to found BOdope hiding behind his red Audi swallowing something. BOdope told them it was vitamins. Although the shake, the sneeze, the white powder and a credit card suggested something else. No matter.
BOdope & BObbie then went to water the garden and eventually when they are about to enter the gate did BObbie found out he had no chip to race with. Freaked out, he wished BOic luck and rode back to see where he can buy one. But the Choke God had quietly chosen him instead of BOic and with time running out, BObbie decided to join Boic at G group.
As per race strategy, the two clowns squeezed to the front of the line and looking for BOlabia. Eventually they discovered the somber looking goat and waved, called and phoned him. But the Labia, he was focused on task at hand. He had a very important assignment today and that was to tow BOlani and the Lani… the Lani…
With Mr. Liggett’s blessing, G group shot out of the gate. BOic learning from his mistakes in the past, sat himself comfortably at 6th. BObbie not learnt anything, stayed around 15th. However, where last year G group was averaging 32km/h on M1, this year the slowest BObbie could read from his Garmin was 38km/h. they soon passed a freaked out and lonely blonde on her Bianchi. Oh wait, that’s Katy.
At Joe Slovo, BOic was not having none of BObbie’s energy conservation crap. He jogged up and formed G group’s leading peloton. Behind him, BObbie and the left overs formed the 2nd peloton. Still on M1, the rest of the G group, and Katy.
BOic was feeling really good. He flew down Joe Slovo and poof goes his bottle (there are evidences such as made up theory by BObbie that he tossed his bottle so when he doesn’t beat BObbie’s 2h52, he has a valid excuse, but whatever). He didn’t panic, he just kept on riding (actually he said to himself, faak that’s a new one).
At the back, BObbie had finally warmed up and is feeling great. Those vitamins BOdope gave him seemed to be working. He is flying through Rosebank. And I need to add, this is the best ever 94 in terms of crowd attendance and the level of support is simply awesome. This year you actually felt the crowds specially came to enjoy a day out instead of previous years when they came out with pellet guns because their church day is ruined.
At the 1h47 mark, BOic arrived at the turn for N14, he felt for sure he was gonna slay the dragon this time and off he went. Behind him, BObbie is already in trouble. He rode so hard he is beginning to suffer. He worked with an elite gals to jump ahead to a peloton, about 5m away, BObbie tried to be a hero and pushed her into the peloton and off he goes with the first cramp on his left calf. No matter he spun his legs and recovered. Got out of the saddle and sprinted back into the peloton. At 1h52, BObbie also arrived at N14 and off they go.
What he does not know is BOrabia the train is quietly steaming onto him whilst towing Katy. Well, BOrabia is a kak tow. Katy only had 3km of it.
Upfront, BOic finally realized he is about to choke. No matter, he got off his not so trustworthy steed, drank some coke, and puked on the steed for throwing a bottle. Then he got back on and rode toward the finish.
Turning off N14, BObbie is in serious trouble, but no problem, BOrabia is here. Oh wait, did we mention he is a kak tow? BObbie got 5km out of him and he dumped BObbie like a used bra.
Somewhere during this part of the road, a whale quietly stalks by (that’s right, the whale, he’s always watching you!!!).
By now, the Craptain is cursing why he didn’t train some. He rode his fat ass up to the front in hope to catch Katy. What he doesn’t know is that Katy has “F”ed him. No matter, zies is the Craptain, he may not train, he may ride like an idiot, but ride he does.
Up front, BOtall after suffering mass cramps on N14 slotted in at 2h59. But not before she gave her old teammates the middle fingers. How rude. But this was after BOmie who cried in at a 2h21. Worst 94 for him ever. BOmie tried the Craptain’s training, needless to say, Nick, Aaron & Malcolm did not use it.
Behind her, a broken BOic wobbled in at 2h51. And since he no uses no computers, he can only pray he at least beat Bobbie’s 2h52 in 2009.
BOlabia easily rode in at 3h04 as if he won the race whilst crowds wondered why he lift both of his hands in the air as if he did.
No matter, the crowd got their laughter when a wobbly BObbie barely passed the line, almost tripping over the medal guy then crashed into the Powerade stands. BOtall witnessing all this never bothered to help him. BObbie cramped both legs and cried. Just as he recovered, walk passed his idol. No, not Cancy, Mr. Phil Liggett. Excited BObbie called out to him and wanted to get a handshake. Then BObbie was on the floor again, in pain. Mr. Liggett confused, just walked right by.
Behind him, Katy slides in at 3h18. Craptain wasn’t far behind at 3h22.
It took BObbie at least 30min to even get to the team car. By then BOic has already called Lost and Found nothing. Not knowing whether he subbed a 3 or not, the two clowns sulked, cried and went to look for some coke.
Truth to be told, BOmie had an off day, BOtall should have had a better time, BOic although finally slay the dragon, was not a convincing cut. We won’t even bother to discuss BObbie’s pathetic 3h10 (even if it is a 3h10 since he can only work it off starting time and the time he crashed in) and BOlani & BOnold never even showed up (well, OK, BOnold is slaying the KTV girls).
The day truly belonged to the real heroes. Craptain who without training gave everything, Katy who came 236th out of 3062 girls. BOrabia's easy 3h04, BOdope’s first and damn fine 3h14. Well done and BOic shall henceforth shade his name to CHObbie.
By the way, Crap, who threatened to join club 100 many time. BOaan who adopted this tactic and joined Club not so Harmony, yep, 3h26. Don’t ever say we did not warn you.
Dudes & duettes, we celebrate vice craptain BOlani’s birthday next!
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