JHB to DBN Tour Diary Day 1

Day 1, Johannesburg to Frankfurt, 180km.

48 hours before ground zero...

Goat: (concerned) BObbie, have you packed? You want me to run down the packing list with ju?

BObbie: (proudly declaring) I did! Croissants, ham, salami, olives, parmesan cheese, Nutella, burger patties, Belgian chocolate ice cream, all sorts of pastas, olive oil, garlic, tomatoes, onions, salmon, tuns, ribs, fillet steaks...

Goat: (almost passing out) I told you to not pack food!!! What about your bibs?!!! You rocked up to Argus without a bib!!!

BObbie: (picks his nose, burps, scratches his arse and farted...) Que...

Ninja: (chilled) Goatie, Goatie, ju know the spacious and luxuries 4x4 we gonna go on zie tour with?

Goat: (covering his eyes with both hands) Here we go...

Ninja: (very chilled) It’s not happening, but no worries my brother, I am making plans. I think what I’ll do is... (continues rambling...)

Goat: (put Ninja on hold and starts calling everyone for plan B and arranged his volk’s wagen and Pluggie’s Scooby) It’s done, I organized plan B.

Ninja: (protesting but fingers crossed) But Goatie, I have everything under control!

Tubs: (serious) Pluggie, what are we gonna do about the intake and inhale?

Pluggie: (calm) moet nie worry nie, I grew up in a small town and I know this, they have nothing to offer but will always have a church and two bottle stores.

Tubs: (relieved) you the man, Pluggie, the man!

Thus begins the journey for the teamies on their conquest from Johannesburg to Durban, on a bicycle. Starting at the Northcliff Mickey D’s, at 06h00 [reBOrter: (snickers) Puh-lease, I am showing up at 08h00 and I’d be early].

Goat is the first up at 03h00 and begins his day with his beloved volk’s wagen on a collection run. First up is Tubs, den Whale, den...

Goat: (furious) BObbie, are you still packing?!!!

BObbie: (acting innocent) er... B.O.?

Goat took BObbie’s bags and left him with his Barlow... Den he went to fetch Dev 1.

At 05h50, BObbie was the first to arrive (yes, mark it down, this would be the first time BObbie is ever early for anything... either than to breakfast, lunch, dindin and snacks in between...) and the only. Eventually, everyone arrived except for Pluggie & Ninja.

Ninja: (accusing) Pluggie, ju supposed to pick me up, it’s 6h30, where ju?

Pluggie: (still drunk) hic... Ja, ja... But nobody will believe it’s me who’s late...

Ninja: (looking at the cursing him messages...) you think!!!

Eventually the boys arrived. After a final check up, the teamies are ready to ride...

Ninja: er... guys, I have a puncture...

Everyone else went into Mickey D’s for breakfast.

Eventually the teamies are ready to ride...

Ninja: guys, let’s ride up to my house first, I forgot to bring the spare wheel.

Everyone else held up the Goat before he connects Ninja with his spare wheel.

Eventually the teamies are ready to ride...

Ninja: I am not sure where we go, but we head South...

[‘Pa whilst reading this was grateful he never made the trip, he didn’t wanna pick up soap for the rest of his life...]

About an hour later...

Eventually the teamies arrived at FNB stadium, still lost.

Tubs: Goatie, Goatie, let’s ride up to my house, I forgot to bring the gun.

Goat: (furious) The next “beep”, “beep”, who wants to go home will taste my wheel!!!

[ReBOrter arrived at Mickey D at 07h55]

[At 07h56, reBOrter was fired, again]

Another hour later...

BObbie: (curious) Tubs, ju used to live around the area, ja? Eish, I mean look at those burnt down buildings!

Tubs: (as if it was nothing) Oh those, ja, I know, I burn it down...

Katy: (suggesting) Goat, I think you should let Tubs get his gun...

Goat: (covers Tubs’ head with a black mask) there, no one will know who he is now...

Another two hours later...

Pluggie: (checking the GPS) I think we are almost out of Johannesburg now.

BObbie: (declaring) I am hungry...

BObbie then ate Goat’s roast chicken mayonnaise lunch pack.

Goat: (shocked) BObbie I made that for the whole team!!!

BObbie: (burped and then farted...)

After lunch at some industrial park in Vereeniging, the teamies waited for the Whale and the BObbie to mark their territories before they depart to hunt for the elusive R 103.

And the temperature begins to rise, to 38 celsius.

Pluggie: (whining) beer, I need beer!

Tubs: (whining) whiskey, I need whiskey!

BObbie: (whining) donut, I need donut!

Katy: (whining) sun screen, I need sun screen!

Whale: (whining) tuna, I need tuna!

Ninja: (whining) rest, I need rest!

Goat: (whining) kak in die mielies, kak in die mielies!!!

Dev 1: (curious) seriously? Out of all you can wish for you want a kak in die mielies?

Goat: (screaming) I need a kak in die mielies!!!

It is Team B.O.’s sincere suggestions to our 2785 faithful, loyal and rabid fans to avoid corn products for the next 8 years or so. It took the goat a while in die mielies...

Late into the evenings, BObbie claims he’s cramping in the legs and got into the car [EveryBOdy including our 2785 faithful, loyal and rabid fans knows he’s cramping in the tummy from over eating!!!]. Soon him, Whale (cramped...) and Pluggie realized they still had around 50km to go and it’s 17h30. The teamies cramped into their cars and headed to Frankfurt.

What they found was a quaint bed & breakfast called Victorian Manor. Good choice by the Ninja. Whilst the poor Goat & Ninja went to replace the food that BObbie ate, the teamies peeled of the sweat soaked kits and jumped into the shower.

Thank lord the lady of the Manor was not shy with the food...