JHB to DBN Tour Diary Day 3 - The Golden Gate

Day 3, Clarens to Winterton, 170km.

At 04h00, the iPhone alarm went berserk...

Goat: (bounced off the bed like an energizer bunny) Action station, action station, women and children first, BObbie, up, up, get up you lazy, fat BOstard!!!

BObbie: (grumpy) 1. Don’t drink sugar water, 2. For two days straight I was ready in the morning early and lands up waiting and 3. You don’t let me sleep at night and now you want me up, I will up yours!!!

Goat: (calmly) breakfast...

Bobbie: (bounced off the bed like an energizer bunny) Action station, action station, BObbie & BObbie first, everyone else can wait. What are we having?

Turns out, not much.

The teamies woke each other up, changed quickly and went down to the restaurant for breakie, without Ninja. He’s still doing something. To their surprise, the Sylvesters had already conquered the restaurant. No matter, the teamies happily joined the Sylvesters at their tables and listened to their tales. But they all know this, the ride out of Clarens and through the famed Golden Gate will be one of the most stunning route you will ever ride. 

Well, if you can ride it that is... ‘cos everyBOdy is waiting for Ninja again... And Sylvesters are long gone...

No matter, because the ride through Golden Gate is really that picturesque. Imagine a clear blue sky, a clean winding road through crooked cliff sides and not a car in sight...

[Ed. Note: (stating) ja, but you guys had two support vehicles...]

[2785 faithful, loyal and rabid fans beat the crap out of the editor...]

But the beauty comes with a price. Clarens sits in a valley, the teamies had to climb before they can descend into Clarens and now they have to climb out of, and not an easy one. 

Pluggie: (checking the GPS) Dudes, we are higher than Jo’burg!

BObbie: (BOnking) Which moron said it was all down hills to Durban?!!!

EveryBOdy: (stating) Well, we are about to go down now...

For roughly 8km from the top of Golden Gate, the road winds down like those switchbacks you see on Tour de France. The view is magnificent, if you dare to look, ‘cos Katy is flying down at 91km/h and Pluggie chases. Bobbie & Tubs had no idea how you can even look at the scenery since smokes are coming out of their brake pads. Yet, you can’t not peek, admire and be blown by the view, then shrieks as your bike bounces off the road, screeching into another turn. It was an extreme of tranquility and beauty versus adrenaline and fear. You simply had to be there.

And then the road flattens, a huge plain lies ahead of you, with distant cliffs so enormous you feel so small, in awe of the mother nature, and vultures circling on top of you...

EveryBOdy: (bitching) BObbie, stop eating...

But all good things must end. The teamies unwillingly rode over steel rails of a gate that signifies the end of a ride that they won’t forget and won’t be equalled.

Then they arrive at Qwa Qwa, an industrial town with roads paved by bricks.

BObbie: (stuttering) sgkajlennldlj;slfwnrefld;safk;dlf...

Pluggie: (stuttering) skdbkwjhreknfasmlafjewfas...

Tubs: (stuttering) gkhoerbladkfjwe;asnnfewoe...

Katy: (stuttering) sdheorfld;kgeroihgldsjeojodjfdsgjlsglskdjobdfshvlskjfkljdfsldjlsk...

[Ed. Note: unfortunately the translations are NOT fit for this family viewing BOg...]

But the teamies still has something to look forward to, the Sterkies Dam!

Except the road  goes up and down, up and down, and the damn dam is no where in sight. With Ninja not feeling well, the teamies are forced to take longer shifts. Bobbie who started the ride BOnking is warm and feeling good, he’s towing and pushing but soon is feeling it.

BObbie: (crying for help) Whale, Whale, you help Katy and I will tow Pluggie and Tubs!!!

Whale: (tuna watching) okey dokey.

Let’s just put this out there, with a crash and still a 2h38 in 94, the Whale, s/he’s the fastest fat cyclist we know alive weighing 107kg. Soon BObbie was left towing and pushing on his own with Whale screaming “Come guys, sit my wheel”!!! Eventually the BObbie couldn’t carry on any longer, he rode both of his cleats off his shoes...

Goat: (pity) BObbie ne, ju must wash in the dam... Zies curse, it must stop... That is if ju can actually make it to the dam first...

With that said, the teamies arrived at the stop and yep, the road to the dam is under construction. Only one direction was allowed and it is in poor condition with pot holes spread like blown apart land mine field. Close yet so far. Not willing to wait, Whale, BObbie and Tubs plays hide and seek with death and cyclo-crossed toward the dam. The rest of the teamies waited until traffic was allowed through.

But alas, the wait and the risks was well worth it. The dam is so huge it had a beach with it’s own waves. The water was so clear you could see the bottom of it. The... Oh... Huh? How did Team B.O. get into a restricted dam? Er... Well, eh... No more questions, all questions please direct it to the BOditor...

Besides, the bigger mystery is how is it the Ninja was suddenly cured?

Ninja: (defensive) Whale gave me a light blue pill...

And ice cold water melon was served.

Time to pack up and continue the journey. However, the teamies must get to the top of mountain pass first. Car 1 loaded with Goat, Whale, Dev 1 and Ninja rushed off without Whale’s helmet. Car 2 picked it up and saw Car 1 rushing back...

Car 2: (waving Whale’s helmet at Car 1) Car 1, we got Whale’s helmet, you can turn around now. 

Car 1: (for some reason rushed pass Car 2 all the way to the start of the road and then waited in line again so they can drive past the dam to meet up with Car 2 on top of the mountain, ready to ride...)

[2785 faithful, loyal and rabid fans: (totally confused) WTF?!!!]

So while they waited on, Car 2 with BObbie, Pluggie, Tubs & Katy begin to feed passing pro cyclists on their training camp with cold water.

With all the delays on the road, the ride again went late into the evenings. Whale & Goat rushed off ahead because someBOdy chewned someBOdy something whilst Dev 1 was struggling at the back. It has been some really hard riding done by the Dev 1 who is just a beginner to cycling, eventually BObbie had to stop her as she begins to wobble.

And finally they arrived at Winterton. It’s been a long and hard day for some. Whilst everyone rushed into the pool, BObbie rushed into the kitchen!

BObbie: (hunger driven mad) Yo Chefie, feed me now, now, now!!!

Big Chef James: (of a giant stature and a stare that could make you shiver if not the sharpened knife in hand) HOW DARE YOU RUSH ART, YOU WAIT TILL 18H30 LIKE EVERYONE ELSE OR I WILL FEED YOU TO EVERYONE ELSE!

BObbie: (obedient) I will just wait, out there... If you will let me out, that is...

Like all good things...

The starter simply blew everyone away. Team B.O. and every guest present. The praise and approval was heard through out dinner. BObbie who could find fault in every top Johannesburg restaurants marveled at how he turned a simple spicy butternut soup into many flavours (BObbie the moron even claimed it was crayfish bisque, yes, moron...). In a small town like Winterton, you don’t find exquisite ingredient. Big Chef James only had frozen chicken and fresh veges to work with. Yet the when the main dish was presented, you cannot help but marvel at the art of cookery it displayed.

Or if you are the Goat, you gobbled it down in 5 seconds and went back to Big Chef James to ask for seconds. Luckily Goat came back out of the kitchen alive...

Yes, you could say that the teamies were hungry, then again, you think Mickey D was a restaurant, imbecile!

Straight after dindin BObbie and Whale rushed into the kitchen and prayed to a new religion.

Whale: (bowing) my lord, if it pleases you, could we please have some boiled potatoes for our long journey to the beach?

As BObbie slowly falling asleep, Katy walked through the door, twisted her golden hairs with her slender fingers, with underwear's made out of fine lace and wanted BObbie to read her a bed time story... just before the Goat walked in on them...


Goat: (hyper active) I am back, I am back, what'd I miss? BObbie, let me hump you with my hairy legs!!!


Some dreams...