The Argus Diary Part IV - The Choke!

As the thick and dark cloud rolls down Table Mountain, flashing with lightning and distant thunder, the Goat turned to look at BObbie. But before he could speak, a howling wind smacked a green mobile toilet with such force it tumbled the toilet over with the poor soul inside screaming with pain and sheer horror as the chemical and his litter splashed all over him, half naked, his bib tangled around his ankle.

Goat: (Freaking out) Er…

Bobbie: (Fake determination) NO!!! We ride!!!

Famous last words...

*     *     *     *     *

BObbie woke up in a cold sweat. Although he put up a brave face, the signs have not been kind to him since the journey started. He has never been superstitious, but without a thought, he flipped through his iPhone and went through the good luck messages to get some comfort. Then he took a deep breath, wrapped himself up with BObaby 1’s diaper and headed into the lounge to prepare for the start.

Downstairs, Lani is also awake. BOwife’s innocent turn smacked her elbow into his nose. BObaby 2 shoved his little tiny foot in his dadda’s mouth and BObaby 1 stretched and kicked him in the nuts. Trying not to scream and not wake his family, the Lani quietly got up and walked into the bedroom door.

Across the road, Panda is now upset with his tummy and upset with the Goat. The Goat is wide awake and got out of the bed the two were sharing and are pouncing around like, well, Mr. Bean. The Panda is also not happy that during the night, the Goat shedded some goat hair in the toilet and true to his habit, he does not flush. Whilst the Panda is glued to the wooden toilet seat, the Goat happily rode to meet his pal BObbie for the early start groups.

Some hotel in town, Katy is counseling Pitt.

Pitt: (Sobbing) They are so mean, please can I cum lide with ju in J rather?

Katy: (Trying to be sweet but is a bit sick of counseling) LOOK, go lide in B with BObbie ok, he’s not so bad.

Pitt: (Pleading) But…

Katy: (Annoyed) YOU WANT ANOTHER BELTING?!!!

(The rest of Team BO nods in agreement).

And somewhere, in a dark room, in some dark corners of the Airport… Anyway, BOpa is ready.

And as the dawn arrives, the teammies in their cages SMSed each other their best wishes.

Goat: BObbie you fat putt, I better not wait more than 6 minute at the finish for your chubby ass!!!

BObbie: Shut up Tjop, I hope you choke and crash somewhere!

As Lani, BOpa, Panda and Katy gathered at Cage J, the Goat, BObbie & Pitt have their heart rate high and their legs pumping down their pedals. Pitt starting in D couldn’t find BObbie is now sitting comfortably at the back and hoping to find his teammate. BObbie who arrived earlier is at first peloton and struggling with the pace. Goat just realized that he actually do belong with the big boys and is beginning to dream about his first ever sub 3.

And Katy is now regretting belting Pitt and sending him away to D. Fearing their asses might get beaten by Katy, Lani, Panda & BOpa gunned out of the gate with the peloton and left poor Katy behind.

Upfront, the Goat is riding conservatively. This is the first time he raced in A group for the biggest race in South Africa. Only the best amateurs is here. Knowing that he has trained and prepared for, he is not willing to risk anything or attack anyone like he usually do, even when they arrived at Boyds Drive. He simply plugged in his iPod and are having a blast.

BObbie almost couldn’t make it. The first peloton of D group attacked furiously inside Cape Town and attacked harder at a climb just before the Blue Route. BObbie knew he is in trouble. He looked around him and found most are at Pitt’s age. And where’s Pitt? He simply doesn’t recover as quickly and realized his training may have missed this. But knowing a long flat waits ahead, he mustered what strength he has and hung toight with the first peloton out of Cape Town. He knows he’s gonna pay for this later. Just a little back, Pitt is riding smartly and carefully.

And further back, the three Jusketeers are the instigators of J group attacks. Katy sat up right, flexed her chest, flipped her pony tail and was immediately towed.

The Goat carefully ran through the corners at the end of Boyds and has turned onto the main road heading toward Fish Hoek. BObbie recovered and is now climbing Boyds efficiently with Pitt not far back. But problems are beginning to surface. BObbie is beginning to see C groups and with the road narrows going down and the sharp corners coming up, he is seeing a split and an attack. But he’s read was too late. With C group mixed in between BObbie struggled to get to the front before the corner and an attack group ran before BObbie could react. BObbie and a few immediately attempted to chase back, but too few wanted to help. With cross & head winds, BObbie decided to wait. Pretty soon, another group showed up. BObbie thought it would be Pitt, but it’s E group.

At Fish Hoek, the game got rough. A bunchers are now jostling for positions as they know the road ahead narrows. The Goat is now really into Britney’s new song and started humming. And as he hears a loud “Crash!!!!!” he found his world turned literally a 180 and he couldn’t find his bike he was pedaling. Not paying attention had him flooring himself across tar and the front end of his bike knocking tar. Both gear levers are now snapped. As the Goat sat up trying to gather himself all he could think was BObbie’s curse. Then he sat down quietly on the pavement and begun to cry.

Further aback, Panda, Lani & BOpa had lost each other in the 2785th attack the three tried to pull. The rest of J group hates them. Katy is still getting towed.

As the Goat’s tears dwindled down his leg hairs into the sewerage, a local shop owner couldn’t take it anymore and offered his own bike to the Goat so he can still attempt his sub 3. Goat was grateful and offered him some goat cheese. Pretty soon, the Goat got back on a bike and the front of D is now here. He looked for BObbie & Pitt. No signs of them. Oh well.

Not knowing his curse is immense, BObbie was not far behind the Goat and soon arrived at Misty’s. He shuffled his ass a bit to relax some ass muscles and almost fell off balance. Then with a squeak, the nose tip of his saddle is now squashing his left nut. The saddle has came loose and only BObbie’s weight is holding the saddle on his bike. Realizing he has an aero seat post, riding without a saddle will hurt more than a gay can handle. BObbie now knows he is in “deep” shit, so to speak. He looked down on his Garmin and the sub 3 is definitely in reach. Maybe if he doesn't move and just sit like this he can still make it? Better than getting off and loose time right? Despite his left nut protesting, BObbie braved on, but he’s loosing position trying to ride and balance the saddle at the same time whilst loosing his future children by the millions.

By now, even the 3 Jusketeers have no idea where each others were. Katy brushed her hair and a cold drink was served.

Goat is now riding angry, but going no where. D group just is not fast enough for him. Bobbie is loosing ground and future kids whilst Pitt is gaining on him and self confidence.

Nobody, though was even looking at the scenery.

Not smart to ride away from the peloton, the Goat can only ride below his ability to the finish. He did slaughter the poor D groupers up Suikerbosie for a bit of anger management. But as he cross the finish line, he knows his sub 3 dream is now, still a dream.

At Chappies, Pitt finally caught up with Bobbie. But it looks like BObbie is struggling? Being the kid in the team, Pitt dutifully offered help.

Pitt: Dude, jump on my wheel, let me work for you!

BObbie: (Grumbling in pain and leaning toward the right hand side of the bike)…

Pitt: Dude, I didn't’ get that, what’s wrong?

BObbie: (Pointing to his swollen left nut and a tilted saddle)…

Pitt: (Laughing so hard he almost fell off his bike)...

BObbie: (Trying to be heroic) You go man, I am not going to make it…

Pitt: (Tears of laughter dwindling down his cheeks but pretended he’s sad) I won’t leave you alone man…

BObbie: (Pulling a Trevor Noah) Just leave!!! It’s an order!!!

Pitt: (Already left or he would fall off Chappies as it was just too funny)…

Pitt was next to cross the line. He struggled a bit up Suikebosie, but he knows he did well.

And at Suikebosie, BObbie finally couldn’t take the pain anymore and decided to stand up for a bit of relieve. Immediately the saddle shot off the bike. Seeing this, the crowd stopped cheering and started rolling on tar laughing. BObbie got off his bike and started to pick up bit and pieces of his saddle. Another competitor rode pass and shouted “That’s a big problem!!!” and laughing himself up to the top.

A marshal ran across after his laughter but could not help BObbie as no one has a spanner to tighten up the bolt (Marshal: WTF?!! Why can’t you have an allen key like everyone else?). Depressed and beat, BObbie tightened the saddle as much as he could with his fingers, and got back on his bike. Nope, the only way the saddle would balance was like before, titled upward and left. Feeling circumcised, BObbie carried on his painful journey to the finish line. Every cheer sounded like mockery as he struggled back and now he’s cramping. As he rolled across the line Pitt called out to him. Pitt being the decent chap tried to control his happiness as BObbie & the Goat both sat dejected. Their life long dream of a sub 3 once again foiled. Angry, ashamed and empty, the Goat didn’t blame BObbie and his pot luck and BObbie didn’t laugh at the Goat for choking. They simply couldn’t do anything.

The Panda and BOpa running low in their tanks stumbled across the line now.

Panda: (Annoyed) I need more base!!!

BOpa: (Annoyed) I need to climb better!!!

(Rest of the Team BO shakes their head…)

At Suikebosie, Lani almost became a certified Capetonian as his gear lever caved under the bar. Flying down Chappies over a manhole without avoiding it is probably just well, stupid.

(Consider the Lani lucky. His spoke actually snapped and he only found out in a training ride after the Argus).

As Katy rolled in happy and achieving her best, Pitt and her could only celebrate silently whilst the rest of their teammies planned anger management.

(A snippet of Katy’s interview by Yo-TV was later scrapped as the video shoot had a happy Katy being interviewed whilst her teammies attempted suicide at the back ground. And yes, you would be right, BObbie’s curse was so bad the attempt was foiled).

As the teammies gathered and begin the ride back to Team Bo CTN HQ, BObbie get a puncture.

(Even the Editor couldn’t carry on anymore. Part V and the final chapter of the Argus Diary will follow shortly. OK, so the Editor’s shortly is measured in Zimbabwean Dollars.)