The Argus Diary Part I - Curse of the fat BObbie.

Most of you probably don’t even know what basketball is. Basically it’s a sport that required to be played at such high speed that your body and your mind needs react and decide in a split second in order for you to gain an advantage. So imagine you just endured near 47 minutes of game time (imagine doing 48 sets of short intervals with little rest in between), 3 second left on the clock, your team has the possession and your coach calls a time out to draw up a play, to be executed by you, to hit that final shot, to be the hero and that your team will do whatever necessary to make sure you are open for that shot. You know you got the shot, your opponent knows you got the shot, the crowds in the stand know you got the shot. It’s what heroes do.

And the game resumes, you run your lines, your teammates blocked off your defenders, the opposing coach couldn’t believe his defense just collapsed, the crowds in the stand sees all this in slow motion, silenced with anticipation and ready to erupt in your name and there you are, wide open with not a defender near you, the pass to you was perfect, just how you like it and on your sweet spot on the court. Your mind flashes. Catch & shoot, catch & shoot. You have done this thousands of times. You barely need to aim, you know where the basket is and this is your moment.

And just that split second before the ball leaves your hand a doubt flashes in your mind.

* * * * *

BObbie grabbed the nearest bag he could find and quickly gathered his cycling gears and flipped through whatever clothing that is still clean, and shoved them in the bag without a thought. His flight out of Lanseria Airport is at 14h40 and he is running late, as usual. Rushing, BObbie jumped in his car and floored the gas as if he was the Stig and somehow, he made to the airport alive, 14h22.

Barely making the cutoff time, BObbie rushed through security (and was forced to remove his weapons in the process) only to find that no one was even lining up to board. Yep, yet another mechanical issue by Some Airline. The flight was delayed until further notice. At least BObbie can sit down for a cup of coffee.

Across town at the O.R. Tambo Airport, BOpa is clean shaven, well dressed and enjoying his butt cavity check by a 127kg security guard named Jan van der Merwe. BOpa is always on time unlike the family man Lani.

But this time, Lani’s tardiness won’t be an issue. Yesterday already, he calmly packed his gears, BOwife, BObaby 1 & BObaby 2 into his case and he is now downing his 18th cappuccino of the day at Camp’s bay, flipping though his phone for updates from his teammies in Johannesburg.

Flipping through his phone too is the Goat. Instead of keeping plans simple, he likes to complicate things by making a complicated plan that will complicate his schedules. Right now he’s busy calling the Whale to run through his plans.

Whale: Goat, you called me about this for the 8th time already in this hour. I get it. You drive to me, I drop you off at Sandton, you catch Gautrain to airport and I go home.

Goat: Ja, what about Sunday?

Whale: What about Sunday?

Things are not quite so calm at Honeydew. The Panda is walking into his 7th meeting of the day. He is a patient man, but if he has to have another meeting instead of actually finishing his work so he can leave on time for Lanseria, he will literally pour bio-diesel on himself and flip the lighter. Whilst listening to another blabber report from one of his sales, his phone rang.

Some Airline: Is this Mr. Panda?

Panda: No.

Some Airline: Sir, we are sorry to inconvenience you, but because we are having mechanical issues, your flight is now delayed, but only just about 4 hours.

Panda: (Slams his fist on the table causing his sales to scream) %@&*#^@*#^@^$#*@(&#)(@*#@(^&#*@&#@#(((@!!!!

Some Airline: I knew you would understand sir, have a pleasant day now that you will only be in Cape Town at 02h30 instead of 22h00.

Before Panda could let Some Airline hear his last words, at Lanseria, BObbie has just been informed that they are uncertain when his flight will take off, but they do know that they now need to ship a part from Johannesburg to Durban to repair the aircraft that is supposed to carry BObbie to Cape Town. BObbie quickly called his insurance broker to up the pay out.

Things went well for BOpa & the Goat though. BOpa insist that he be cavity checked again before he boarded the plane leaving a young Jan traumatized for life. Goat has now boarded the train and is heading toward the airport. He decided to check on BObbie.

Goat: Dude, what’s the wind situation in Cape Town?

BObbie: (Grumpy) I don’t know…

Goat: WTF?!! Is there wind or not?

BObbie: Look moron, I am still at Lanseria…

Goat: WTF?!! 

BObbie: personally, I think Some Coffee Shop hooked up with Some Airline to delay the flights so they can sell more coffee and then Some Airline gets a kick back.

Goat: (Confused) Che?

Bobbie: (Irritated) Delay, no fly, ja?

Goat: (Awakened) Oh, why didn’t you say so…

Some Airline now confirmed with BObbie that if he’s lucky, they can take him to Cape Town around 19h30. Around 20h00, when BObbie finally started to board, BOpa is getting another cavity check, this time in Cape Town. And at Lanseria run way, Some Airline with BObbie in row 12A is taxied back. This time due to some mechanical failure. Somewhere on the air just outside Johannesburg Goat is asking the passenger next to him for his onboard dinner.

Goat: dude, give me your dinner.

Passenger next to him: (Shocked & Angered) 1. I am not a dude and 2. Who the hell do you think you are?

Goat: I ride in A in Argus.

Passenger next to him: (repacked her dinner and gave it to the Goat, including her own children’s dinner).

Goat: (Gobble gobble)...

BObbie finally left Lanseria…

Panda finally arrived at Lanseria.

Lani is feeding BObaby 1 & 2.

BOpa is asking his masseur if he knows what a cavity check is.

Goat snored.

At 22h30 when Lani, Goat & BOpa are falling asleep in their beds, BObbie finally arrived at the Cape Town International Airport. All he wanted to do was grab his gears and “leave”.

Some Airline: People, because one of you was grossly overweight, we could’t load the luggage, it will have to come with the next flight.

Every passenger except BObbie: WTF?!!! %#*&@^#^&@%#*@&#(@#&!!!

BObbie: (Protesting) I am not fat!!!

Some Airline & BObbie will not be mates, that’s for sure. R250 voucher or not!

Somewhere in Bloemfontein, Katy & Pitt are cuddled up inside a train. Katy still remembers what the WDM said to her the day the team met for logistics. As usual with every of her life decisions, she consults the WDM. After all, the WDM said the Pitt was cool.

Witch Doctor Mama: (Frightened), Not Team BO, no!!!!!

Pitt: (Protesting) But I wanna go with my teammies, they are so much more fun!!!

Katy: You wanna get a belting again?!!!

At 02h30, the Panda finally arrived at Cape Town.

At 02h37, Some Airline made a phone call.

BObbie: (Unconscious) What? Huh? I am not fat!

Some Airline: Mr. BObbie, your luggage has arrived.

BObbie: I hate you!

Some Airline: Now sir, we can easily loose your luggage.

BObbie: (Screaming) You mean you haven’t lost it yet?!!!!!!