Discum Race Report!

The CEO of Pfizer is not a happy man. In a few hours he has to appear at the AGM and explain to the angry mobs that is his shareholders about how they can sell little blue pills but not multi vitamins. Standing in front of him is his National Sales Manager who although has a reputation for being one of the best salesman in the country, has not delivered the results. Not even looking at the man he can sense his nervousness; he could almost feel his cold sweats.

CEO: I asked for improvement, did I not?

NSM: (evidently shaking) Sir, I have been working hard in hoping my sales would “climb”.

CEO: (snickers) You have? On what “base”?

And before his NSM could answer, he abruptly interrupts.

CEO: You need more visibility. Find me a professional sport team to sponsor, make sure they deliver results better than you do and make it appears that is because they used our multi vitamins and not because they are doped up with Links’ cheaper alternatives!!!

Always the man who obeys, the NSM delivered, Team BO Centrum!!!

 We need photos for our sponsors!!!

 Sponsors in shell shock about NSM's choice of a professional team.

 Sponsors questioning where's the brand?!!!

 Here, here!!!

 With medals!!!

If you don't wear it, I break your Arm!

(The fate of the NSM will be revealed in another non related story, in the mean time I am sure you know his fate won’t be pretty, just how bad it can be. Show this to the marketing!!!)

Maybe Viagra should sponsor dem! 

Regardless, Team BO Centrum is here to do business and the business is to race. With their Craptain back in charge and showing results, the team lined up Craptain, BOic, BOlani, BOpa, BOnold, BObbie, Whale & Bladder. BOrabia attends all team dindins but none of the races these days and will surely be punished. As for the 2 femen, well, they have turned into sissies…

No matter, with zie Goat doped up like a pro cyclists, the team ain’t worried about results.

Discum is always organized, parking and getting to the parking is never the nightmare that is of other races. It’s long, it has some strategic hills and it’s an Argus seeding race. It’s not an easy one. So when zie Goat looked at his two prime meat packs for some company in the A group…

BObbie: I am sick, I go to B.

Whale: I am beeg, I go to B.

The rest of the team.

Craptain: I am the Craptain, I am C.

BOpa: My number says I am B.

BOlani: I don’t know what C3 means, but I go to B.

BOnold: Crap ordered me a D.

Bladder: I will lide with ju, but I am J.

Finding out he is now the unpopular team mate, zie Goat angrily left the team pre-race meeting and went to where he belongs. What he didn’t expect to line up next to him, is the Racing Tandems. With the first 40km literally a descent, A bunch slaughtered the tar and left a trail of tire marks.

Back at the start, BOlani, BOpa, Whale & BObbie as usual were late to the start and is right at the back. Whale offered to tow the team to the front but soon realized that the B bunch are a bunch of smarties. Instead of gunning it out, they had a picnic. And with the narrow roads, the B bunch never even split. Everyone just tagged along and nobody wanted to push the pace. You might as well call this the L bunch. Pretty soon someone crashed. Team BO lurked nicely along.

Crap who is entertaining an “honoured guest” for the ride wanted to impress, he ordered a body guard in BOnold since his usual bodyguard BObbie pretended he was not there by wearing another kit. Since the race is going by the Deep South, BOnold’s old habit of fondling became a problem. Not even far into the race, BOnonold tried his luck on a CycleLab gal by offering his services. CycleLab gal freaked out with the offer, took a tumble almost taking the Crap and his guest out. Pissed, the Crap kicked BOnold off his bike. BOnold then bumped straight into the poor CycleLab gal and tried to mount her. CycleLab gal claimed something like a rotten banana was trying to enter her form behind. This caused the CycleLab gal to bump her teeth on tar and loosing two of them. But BOnold couldn't complete the transaction and shamefully wrapped it up, softly.

Even further back, Bladder thought to himself, “how cum every slow ass group has crazy fast riders? I am going with them.”

At home, BOrabia lies on his couch, sleeping.

Up at front, the A group has gone into an insane pace and pretty soon went right into CAT 4. With the road narrow, the groups bunched up uncomfortably and all of a sudden they felt a irritating prick on their skins. Yep, you guessed it. It’s zie Goat. Where as riders who rides here at least looked like pros and shaves like one, zie Goat was wondering why no one wanted to ride close to him. This leads to a congested road to even worse situation where riders on the out skirts of the group having to race cyclo-cross. But not shaving is not criminal, the race commish were forced ask CAT 4 group to give way. This was greeted with some language only Team BO could appreciate and caused A bunch to push higher pace to get pass. BOic’s hair was caught on a fellow A rider and was towed across.

Back in the B bunch, things are really getting boring, BObbie was trash talked by BOlani & BOpa. Whale was a little up front looking for food. BObbie chewned BOlani they not gonna make sub 3 at this pace. BOlani chewn him to pipe up. Then the front of C bunch arrived. Yep, B was that slow.

After kicking BOnold off his bike, Crap ordered him back so he and his guest can get some tow. BOnold now knows how BObbie felt last week.

Bladder and his fellow gunners are now passing K.

BOrabia is still asleep.

The terrain now picks up with hills after hills. A bunchers does not slow down, not even for the tandem guys who helped them on the way there. Goat with his hairs caught in several bikes now is getting a free tow. By now, the A bunchers just couldn’t take it anymore.

A-bunchers: Dude, listen, we don’t have a problem giving you a tow, we don’t have a problem that you don’t do some work, but the stink?!!! Vok wena!!!

With that, they kicked Boic and tried to dump him. This immediately caused a crash. But alas, zie goat is not zie goat for nothing. He swiftly rode over crashed cyclists, their bikes, even kicked them just for kicks and got himself out of the mess. But by the time he got free the A-bunchers have sprinted up the hills laughing. Well, if they did this to him on a flat, BObbie would have picked up the goat. But it was on a climb. Pretty soon the A-bunchers smelt the same stink, except it’s far worse now what with goat sweat, goat spits and goat farts…

Back in B things has came alive. The front finally attacked on the hills. Whale, BOpa, BOlani all reacted. BObbie woke up and quickly joined. The B bunchers slowed to rest on down hills and immediately started another attack. And the rest of the B bunch is beginning to crack. The shake tactic just doesn’t stop. BObbie is hanging on with all his donuts. BOlani  who was shaken off earlier rode his beeg ass back to BObbie and wanted a bar, well, at a foot of another hill. Needless to say BObbie followed the attack and Whale, BOpa & BOlani were dumped. BObbie only fared slightly better anyway, after another attack out of Heidelberg, he was also dumped. Luckily he managed to jump on a small wagon towed by a grandpa from Bionic.

Crap was his usual self at the back, abusive. Probably because of his drinking problems. BOnold couldn’t take it anymore.  He pretends his chain slipped (into faster gears that is) and rode away from the Crap. The Crap pretended he sent him away so he doesn’t loose face with his honoured guest.

Bladder now is almost at E.

BOrabia turned, on his couch.

Angry as usual, zie Goat arrived at the finish with an insane but sponsor pleasing 2h43. Considering CAT 1 (that’s pros in case you don’t know) finished at 2h29, we can officially say zie Goat is probably better than zie Whale when he was not so beeg back then.

BObbie offered little help to Bionic grandpa but it was just too late. He limped cross at 3h08. Considering he did a 3h09 last year, BObbie started sobbing. Hearing him crying, BOic came over to laugh at him.

Whale, BOpa & BOlani arrived at 3h19. Very good times considering B bunch rode to dump.

With the team parking on grass sulking, BOnold who also spent 3h19 on the bike joined in. Bored and thirsty of waiting for Crap, his guest & Bladder, BOlani, BObbie & BOnold decide to go look for drinks whilst BOpa entertained himself with the animals (goat & whale).

BOrabia started to drool.

BOlani, BOnold & BObbie bumped into the massage tent. The friendly coordinator offered some free service. The first girl on offer was decent looking, BOnold happily stripped. BObbie was next, except a mama showed up.

BObbie: Er… I am fine actually, ja, I think I don’t need it. I am good, hey, Lani, you said you were sore, here, you go!

BOlani: huh?

With that said, BOlani felt he got raped, on a massage table.

Whilst BOnold is being interviewed by TV cameramen and answered questions that further pleased the sponsors, BObbie found a cute but chubby gal and happily stripped. Across the other side BOlani let out a string of profanities at him. Just then Crap called. He wants to bust BOnold’s chops after he arrived at a scarily good 3h33. BOnold signaled BObbie to keep his location secret, but BObbie is always happy to watch his buddy suffer, spill the beans. Luckily Crap was so sore that upon entering the tent, he ordered two gals and left BOnold along.

The gang happily went back to the parking grass (Crap is still being rubbed by two gals) and found that Bladder bonked around 80km mark and only managed a 3h39. Whilst the team is packing to leave, Whale & BOnold complained they both lost something. Whale lost BOnold’s Jawbones and BOnold can’t find his weenie. Upon hearing this, Goat checked his 19 & BObbie checked his 21, all good.

Going back to the real story, we are not sure if NSM will still have a job after his CEO reads this.

Up next is Berg & Dale, no team plans yet.

Goat will miss clowning with his partner BObbie at MacSteal a Carnival, so the team is thinking of entering the 65km team challenge.

BTW, BOrabia snores...