The COD Report

Lani glanced at his diamond studded Rolex and impatiently pushed the door open to BObbie’s office with both hands. The barbaric motion startled BObbie’s assistant at first, but she was too afraid to scream when she realized the look on Lani’s face.

Lani: Where’s BObbie?!!!

BObbie’s assistant: He’s, he’s, er… he’s interviewing a new staff today, Sir.

Without bothering with the pleasantries, Lani stormed out of BObbie’s office and headed toward the board room. He usually is a gentle person, always polite, always smiling. But BObbie and his tardiness have driven him insane. BObbie hardly does any work and they are about to meet with one of their biggest client in 7 minutes yet BObbie is spending his time interviewing a new staff? A task BObbie’s assistant should have handled.

With the same aggression, Lani kicked the board room door open with such force the first greeting he received was a scream from an obvious young girl.

And then his jaw dropped open as he watched a young blonde thing trying to cover her literally naked body with BObbie standing with his pants down, his 21 dangling and a smile wide to his ears.

BObbie: Oh, am I late for the meeting?

Lani: (screaming) Dude, you are supposed to do an interview!!!!!!

BObbie: (burped)…

Lani: (screaming) I am reporting you to the boss!!!!!!

BObbie: (pleading) but dude… I mean, she’s hot, just look at her… Look baba, cover for me, ne? I owe you one.

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Being so close to the biggest race in South Africa, the Argus, Team BO wasn’t going to risk anything that may hinder their results. After all, the CEO of their sponsor is a mean person and the job of the NSM is hanging on like an elastic band. And it has been a long season, a demanding season.

The Craptain as usual, took on the toughest assignments. He and him alone is heading into the mountains for the Panorama Tour, a 4 day grueling stages race that only the toughest attends. With so many on the injury list (BOtall, Whale, BOrabia and now BOpa), the team can only send BOlani, BOic, BOpa, BOnold, BOpit, Katy & BObbie to Argus so at McSteal a Carnival, the team is taking it easy. And with BOpit & Katy working hard for the team’s mountain bike division, Team BO lined up with Craptain, BOlani, BOpa, BOnold and BObbie.

BOnold almost couldn’t make it, with his disgusted Fuji dying a slow death, it took BObbie & BOlani Hercules effort to pull all the strings and BOchanic an over nighter so that BOnold could ride with a new weapon. A bike in car terms would be a Porsche 911. The LOOK 595 Ultra. Albeit without a saddle.

After BObbie loudly complained about his jersey being too small, the NSM and the sponsor quickly made sure he received his right size (21). And now Team BO looked the business, especially when they sit themselves at the back of HL. Whilst the team loudly talked trash and had every palookas in HL shivering “What the f**k is a pro team doing here, we are gonna get slaughtered!!!”, the team joked, openly discussed strategies and BOnold’s new steed. The spirit was high, until…

*          *          *          *          *

BOlani didn’t sleep well. Not because BObaby was having any problems, BObaby has been a good baby. Not because he was nervous for the race, he has been through too many. But BOwife, she needed him home by 11h30. But he made a promise to his teammies to be there and now he’s short for time. If only, if only he could find a scapegoat. But the Goat is in Cape Town surveying the Argus route for the team.

Wait, the BObbie, he owes me one!!!

*          *          *          *          *

With a slight wink from the Lani, Bobbies knows what he must do. Although he is not willing, he simply couldn’t loose a job that is not really a job. So as planned in the car, BObbie dropped his 21 and pricked his rear tire. BOlani immediately called out.

BOlani: BObbie, is that a flat?!

And HL was about to be released, the timeing has been perfect.

Swiftly, calmly and according to plan, BObbie swung his bike up side down, open up the brake calipers, loosen the quick release, popped the wheels out, slides the tires off, replaced the tube and started pumping. But BObbie was too swift, the delay simply isn’t enough. BOlani fake coughed.

BObbie quickly snipped the tube with his nails and called out.

BObbie: F**k, it’s not working!

By now, HL is being released. Knowing BOpa and his valve problem (BOpa would like you to believe he has a heart condition, but it is actually his valves. The one that controls ejaculation) , Crap instructed BOpa to go first, go slow and try to hold the peloton back.

BObbie is pretending he couldn’t get the tube in. Crap is now pissed. Changing a tube is standard procedure and BObbie usually could do it in 45 seconds flat and BOpa alone could not hold the peloton. As all great leaders do, Crap immediately made a decision.

Crap: Lani, Panda, you two get BObbie back to us, I will go support Bushie.

But the peloton attacked early and BOpa was out of signal range. Frustrated, Crap had no choice but stopped on the side of the road. With his full team, it’s a better bet they can get back to the peloton.

But the Lani planned to perfection. He needed 45 minutes and 45 minutes BObbie would deliver. BOnold although eager to test his new weapon, couldn’t believe what he is seeing.

Eventually the 63km group is about to start. With another wink from BOlani, BObbie finished the replacement in less than 2 seconds.

Team BO joined the Crap and immediately Crap ordered BObbie to the front. With the time stalled, BOlani pleaded that he has to be back home by 11h30 and no way they can do it now without the peloton. Fuming, the Crap is having none of it. The Team will ride hard for 103km until they drop dead. Too afraid of the Crap BObbie "klapped” the hard gears and off the team goes.

Seeing his plans dying Lani immediately chewned BOnold that his shoe laces are untied. Knowing BObbie’s acceleration, it only needs a glance from BOnold for BObbie to tow the team away form BOnold. Now BOnold is left alone and the team pulled ahead. Knowing Crap pays attention to every detail, it’s a matter of seconds before Crap realizing he’s a man short.

And as the Lani planned, Crap ordered BObbie to go and fetch BOnold whilst they continued. And with the head winds, palooka bunches, no way BObbie was gonna get BOnold back to Crap’s group in time.

But BObbie felt bad. He’s quick release in the board room has caused all this. He signaled BOnold to sit tight, put his head down, went to his drops and rode as hard as he could. But 2 men in the wind on flat roads is no match for a peloton, palookas or not. Soon the Team Race bunch mixed with 65km bunch caught them 20km into the race. And soon the peloton also swallowed Crap & Lani. BOpa is too far away for any radio contact.

BOlani: Crap, I am not gonna make it.

Crap: F**k sakes, I am gonna hang BObbie up side down on a lamp post and whip him to death!!!

BOlani: Crap, can I do the 65km?

Crap: ja, just leave!

BOlani: I need a tow.

Crap: Take that no gooder BObbie!!!

At the turn, Lani with his evil plan in full swing, went with BObbie and the palooka bunch. Crap & BOnold soldiered on in the empty roads.

Lani & BObbie rested inside the palooka bunch. Although the pace was not aggressive, the palookas are. Pretty soon they arrived at the home stretch. It’s then a left turn with a final 1km sprint uphill to the finish. The palooka peloton tensed up and started sprinting. Lani & BObbie looked at each other wondering why so early just tagged alone. By now, the entire peloton is looking at them to see when the two will attack. Lani like all doggies, reacts quick and with a few “klapping”, were right up front. BObbie tagged along, ready to lead out. But the two felt guilty as it wouldn’t be fair in terms of abilities. The two didn’t even bother to finish. They turned right before the finish and packed up to go home.

Back on the road, BOpa is wondering where the hell is his teammies. Crap couldn’t understand why BObbie needed 45 minutes to change a tube and BOnold wonders why super bikes cums without saddles.

Around lunch time, Team BO finally finished a horrible, horrible ride. Worst result ever since being sponsored. Whilst the team are suffering from dehydration, sweaty smells and soreness everywhere, BOlani & BObbie had showered and are comfortably sitting inside a lani restaurant.

BOlani: We are now even.

BObbie: but I felt bad. I better tell them what happened.

BOlani: Shut up and eat your food.

When BObbie is fed, BObbie forgets everything.

Next up, the grand prize for 2011, the Argus.

And yes, da blog tells no lies…