Welcome to 2014
I, am, the Craptain.
Since my glorious return in the 2013 Cycle Challenge of which I sacrificed my sleep, my alcohol, my smokes and my sex life, I have once again, kept my throne as the Craptain. I want you all to remember it and remember it well.
It's now TIME to update my fellow subjects.
First, it's now year 2014. If you don't know this already, well, you don't have the intellectual level to read anyway. So, learn to read first.
Second, if you expect anything meaningful from us, like how we won races, secured another sponsor, kissed by podium girls, new doping techniques, amazing training methods and diets that will loose you 8kgs...
Now that's clear, many things has already happened. I am sorry, you'd think being the crap that I am, I could control my fellow subjects. Alas...
I can't control that fat pig BOb's appetite for one. Since that old horse fart Pa pulled his hammies (he claims he was playing soccer with his kids, but really, sons in varsity, they don't play soccer with daddies and some blue pills were missing...), Gaatie had no choice but to con some B.O.'s to join him for the Krugersdorp Classic.
Gaatie: (talking crap) Puh-lease, what hills? It's all down hill from here. It's down baba, just cum.
Idiots that got conned, Chicken and his chommie, Dev and BObbie the fat pork. And already at the start BObbie can't get his windbreaker on...
It was cold & windy, being early in the year, only the strong and the stupid showed up.
Chicken blew up immediately. He and his Chommie had to stop to repair a puncture. BObbie who last sight of the Gaat as soon as the gun shot, bottled bravely... until chicken hill in the Cradle, where his body temperature shot up so much that he decided to take off his wind popper. What a pork, all he did was popping his iPhone...
And the ride isn't any better. All the claimed S/T was all smoke and bacon. Well, he soon caught up with a hairy goat resting on the side of the road for him.
Gaat: (panting and puffing) I was waiting for ju my bru, I let the breakaway go fast. I wanna ride with my lunch. Where is that Deep Fry?
The two jumped on the 3rd peloton where a fluff in pink caught BObbie's eyes. As the Gaat rode away again, the BOb decided to do the right thing.
BOb: (trying to impress) If you tell me your name & number, I will tow you for as long as I can.
Pink Fluff: (trying to distance herself from this sweating breakfast) Er, right, you roll right ahead.
Needless to say... BObbie didn't bring home the bacon.
As usual, the pork chop cramped up and had to stop in the middle of no where.
Ten year old boy on a bike way too large for him riding pass the BObbie: (sympathy) You want a Rennie, Oom?
BObs summed up this race as the toughest in JHB. Goat tried to explain to his Dev that he had no idea there were so many climbs...
Moving on. We can't start the year with no Arms Race Report. but since everyBOdy is so sick of us piling up bikes, Lani decided instead, he will build a stable for his steeds...
Elsewhere, the Tubs is apparently hard at training. He quit drinking and smoking apparently... Boat was not very happy about it...
You'd think Donkey will FELT left out too, but he decided to run the Two Oceans...
But yes, riding still are happening. I took Lani, a newbie and those two morons Gaat & BObbie for a ride in the cradle on Saturday morning. The two idiots went fluff chasing and left us behind. Worst, they didn't even get her name or number...
All they found out was that she was an Iron Lady. Gaat immediately FELT half a man. BObbie's banana immediately went flaccid and got caught in his spokes.
Gaatie being the chom he is, decided to cheer the BOb up and bought him and the Lani pieces. The three morons showed up in the cradle on a Sunday morning hanging free.
It wasn't long, before a tannie on a tandem decided to chewn Gaatie & BObbie that is not cool.
Tannie: (you should be ashamed) What about the children?!!! What about them children?!!!
Ashamed, The Gaatie & the BOb didn't wanna take the tandem down up the hill, only to find out the tannie punctured as the three danglers rode pass her out of the saddle swinging...
And as the global economy still struggles, Tallie had no choice but to resume her street lamp standing days.
We are told Taggie supports her career choice all the way...
Of course, no reminders needed. BObbie has three punctures (including a supposed puncture proof tubeless) since 1 January 2014, we still have days left in January.
That Michelin baby insists it's not a weight issue, except...
Talking about weight issues, some Whale sighting...
But noBOdy impressed me more than that BOat. The man knows how to take down an after ride drink.
If you don't know what BOat is drinking, come see me after this.
And lastly, let me remind you all why we are here.
Since my glorious return in the 2013 Cycle Challenge of which I sacrificed my sleep, my alcohol, my smokes and my sex life, I have once again, kept my throne as the Craptain. I want you all to remember it and remember it well.
It's now TIME to update my fellow subjects.
First, it's now year 2014. If you don't know this already, well, you don't have the intellectual level to read anyway. So, learn to read first.
Second, if you expect anything meaningful from us, like how we won races, secured another sponsor, kissed by podium girls, new doping techniques, amazing training methods and diets that will loose you 8kgs...
Now that's clear, many things has already happened. I am sorry, you'd think being the crap that I am, I could control my fellow subjects. Alas...
I can't control that fat pig BOb's appetite for one. Since that old horse fart Pa pulled his hammies (he claims he was playing soccer with his kids, but really, sons in varsity, they don't play soccer with daddies and some blue pills were missing...), Gaatie had no choice but to con some B.O.'s to join him for the Krugersdorp Classic.
Gaatie: (talking crap) Puh-lease, what hills? It's all down hill from here. It's down baba, just cum.
Idiots that got conned, Chicken and his chommie, Dev and BObbie the fat pork. And already at the start BObbie can't get his windbreaker on...
It was cold & windy, being early in the year, only the strong and the stupid showed up.
Chicken blew up immediately. He and his Chommie had to stop to repair a puncture. BObbie who last sight of the Gaat as soon as the gun shot, bottled bravely... until chicken hill in the Cradle, where his body temperature shot up so much that he decided to take off his wind popper. What a pork, all he did was popping his iPhone...
And the ride isn't any better. All the claimed S/T was all smoke and bacon. Well, he soon caught up with a hairy goat resting on the side of the road for him.
Gaat: (panting and puffing) I was waiting for ju my bru, I let the breakaway go fast. I wanna ride with my lunch. Where is that Deep Fry?
The two jumped on the 3rd peloton where a fluff in pink caught BObbie's eyes. As the Gaat rode away again, the BOb decided to do the right thing.
BOb: (trying to impress) If you tell me your name & number, I will tow you for as long as I can.
Pink Fluff: (trying to distance herself from this sweating breakfast) Er, right, you roll right ahead.
Needless to say... BObbie didn't bring home the bacon.
As usual, the pork chop cramped up and had to stop in the middle of no where.
Ten year old boy on a bike way too large for him riding pass the BObbie: (sympathy) You want a Rennie, Oom?
BObs summed up this race as the toughest in JHB. Goat tried to explain to his Dev that he had no idea there were so many climbs...
Moving on. We can't start the year with no Arms Race Report. but since everyBOdy is so sick of us piling up bikes, Lani decided instead, he will build a stable for his steeds...
Elsewhere, the Tubs is apparently hard at training. He quit drinking and smoking apparently... Boat was not very happy about it...
You'd think Donkey will FELT left out too, but he decided to run the Two Oceans...
But yes, riding still are happening. I took Lani, a newbie and those two morons Gaat & BObbie for a ride in the cradle on Saturday morning. The two idiots went fluff chasing and left us behind. Worst, they didn't even get her name or number...
All they found out was that she was an Iron Lady. Gaat immediately FELT half a man. BObbie's banana immediately went flaccid and got caught in his spokes.
Gaatie being the chom he is, decided to cheer the BOb up and bought him and the Lani pieces. The three morons showed up in the cradle on a Sunday morning hanging free.
It wasn't long, before a tannie on a tandem decided to chewn Gaatie & BObbie that is not cool.
Tannie: (you should be ashamed) What about the children?!!! What about them children?!!!
Ashamed, The Gaatie & the BOb didn't wanna take the tandem down up the hill, only to find out the tannie punctured as the three danglers rode pass her out of the saddle swinging...
And as the global economy still struggles, Tallie had no choice but to resume her street lamp standing days.
We are told Taggie supports her career choice all the way...
Of course, no reminders needed. BObbie has three punctures (including a supposed puncture proof tubeless) since 1 January 2014, we still have days left in January.
That Michelin baby insists it's not a weight issue, except...
Talking about weight issues, some Whale sighting...
But noBOdy impressed me more than that BOat. The man knows how to take down an after ride drink.
If you don't know what BOat is drinking, come see me after this.
And lastly, let me remind you all why we are here.
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