Team B.O.

As with any sport, there always have been secrets, dark corners with untold mysteries. They are always hidden away from the unknowing public, clouded with legends and told only to those who are unfortunate to call themselves the BO. If you think Cuntador’s steak, Landis’ fabrications and Lance’s blood is what ultimately defines them, BO members are defined and baptized (thunder strikes) by the legend of The Mountain God. The Crap still shakes thinking about it. BOlani’s puppy hide its tails and refused to go. BOaan was not seen again. BOwhale’s bones are still broken. BObbie who was brave enough to curse at the God still drools from the smack he got. And Boic, the Italian Stallion, the Flying Roman, the Black Sabbath, the Machine, the Mountain Goat has never, ever, used his big chainring. Such is the legend that even men like BOtall & Katy in this exclusive society dare not brave the legend and still have not. For the newbies like BOrabia, BOnold, BOdope, and BOthemba, ...

Code name: BOthemba, BOninja. Team function: Making himself look good to recruit girls for team BO. Results: He's not very good at his job. Ride: What ride? he rides? Cinelli. Origin: Sandton. Favourite hang out: JHB CBD. Man love: Chuck Bartowski. Famous last words:  "Bond, James Bond".

At 05h49 BObbie has a decision to make, probably the most important one he has yet to make in his distinguished cycling career. His teammates are beginning to gather at the LZ. So far the reports is that they will all be on time. His captain though, will not make it, he did not survive the hard ambush at 94. Neither will the Italian. He survived the battle at 94, but he was severely wounded and choked in his own puke. It’s now 5h52, he can’t delay this any longer. BObbie quickly coded his messages so the enemies even intercepting the SMS will need sometime to decode it. That may be the window he needed to arrive at the LZ safely. The SMS successfully arrived at the acting captain’s black box. It simply reads “I need another 30”. * * * * * BOlani looked at the message and knew his teammate is in trouble. Not sure what, but he has a bad feeling this is going to be a Bad One. But they must wait. Back in training days, they were told of one rule and one rule only, “never leave your man ...

There are always challenges in life, you face them all the time. For Team BO, each and everyone of us continuously entangles in this battle. For the Crap to put down his mutinies, for BOlani to not claim another insurance, for BOic not to choke, for BObbie not to eat, for BOlabia not to harass, for BOnold not to long distance dialing the Far East, for BOtall not to add another 8kg, for Katy not to wear white, for BOdope not to deal and the list goes on & on, we live through them and we are better because of it. So BOic & BObbie stood up like men and forces themselves to another new challenge, the infamous 115. It was a simple challenge, you leave from BObbie’s down HP, up Krugers and back on Ontdekkers and you have to do it under 1h15m. To beat it, even the robot has to be in perfect sync. Alas, BOic & BObbie has only ever clocked a 1h15:14. Boic insists it’s BObbie’s weight, BObbie insists it’s BOic’s bottles. Regardless, the two clowns can’t get it done. The only possi...

On the morning of a race that the cycling legend Mr. Phil Liggett himself attends, a hairy laggard in his full race kit crouching slightly was shouting to a short and pudgy men in his tights. The face of these two expresses nothing but determination, fire and will. The shorter of the two extended his arms and grabbed the other by his shoulders, shook him and shouted at him “we slay the dragon today!!!”. Although the taller man had a hint of doubt, he extended two of his fingers and pounded his chest, ready for war. He then extended his arms sky ward as if he was signal to the world that from today, he shall no longer be known as the choker. Today, he slay the dragon. Then he saw a sign from heaven above. A black object flying straight at him, grew bigger as it closes in and smacks him right in the face. “Shut the faak up you two gay muthafaakas! Some of us are trying to sleep!!!”. Thus begins the journey of BOic and BObbie for the 94 Momentum Cycle Challenge. The two clowns arrive...

To whom it may concern I had entered and paid for the 94.7 cycle challenge 2010 and despite my long term support of your event I was still given a disgusting seeding into group “L”.  None the less I patiently wasted further time and money t o have myself reseeded at your expo for a further R 150 and was then given the 1 st  class service which I should have been offered in the first place and granted access to any starting time I wanted. To make matters worse I fell ill on the eve of the 94.7 cycle challenge 2010 and had to surrender my Entry and as such had ensured my participation in your prestigious event by way of putting my Chip into my mates back pocket. I regret to inform you that neither my starting time nor finishing time was logged and considering your charged R 265 for the entry and a further R 150 for the substitution I have to ask…… What the FAAAK is wrong with your timing equipment?!!! Regards Waiman Chan Race no: 277777

Those who did well. Craptain Event Date Event Name Distance Race Time Position Gender Position Age Position Start Group Group Position 2010/11/21 Momentum 94.7 Cycle Challenge 94.7 03:22:03 3471/16306 3004/12440 599/2051 N 35/384 Katy Event Date Event Name Distance Race Time Position Gender Position Age Position Start Group Group Position 2010/11/21 Momentum 94.7 Cycle Challenge 94.7 03:19:21 3204/16306 236/3062 49/631 F 239/357 The question, Katy few groups ahead, is it fair she leads the Mutiny Series 3-1? Or are we gonna say 2-2? BOrabia Event Date Event Name Distance Race Time Position Gender Position Age Position Start Group Group Position 2010/11/21 Momentum 94.7 Cycle Challenge 94.7 03:04:51 1961/16306 1741/12440 369/2051 G 80/347 BOdope Event Date Event Name Distance Race Time Position Gender Position Age Position Start Group Group Position 2010/11/21 Momentum 94.7 Cycle Challenge 94.7 03:14:14 2736/16306 2396/12440 423/1940 L 38/340 BOmie Event Dat...

BOdope already mailed Split Time calculator. The problem is that your group usually is not in sync with it. So use all these info so you can make the most correct decision on the day. Best of luck.

Good luck y'all.

This one is special. As we all know, you cannot have a cycling team without a very key component. And our Craptain, he knows it and ordered this particular recruit. Code name: BOdope or those in the know, BOdaddy. Team function: Rookie, climbing support in training in public. In truth, pharmaceutical supplies to all BO team members. Other team functions: After race services. Ride: Karbona, Shitmano and golf "wholes". Career: Pharmaceutical big shot by day, dealer by night. Man love: Pablo Escobar. Secret training ground: 19th hole. Secret training method: Little blue pills. Favourite pass time: Golf "wholes". Famous last words: "I don't pay for sex".

By now you guys are well aware that Katy is up 2-1 on the Craptain’s Mutiny Series. So 94 is a huge must win for him. But the Crap, he does not train, nor does he believe in training. He only freaks out when crap hit the fan. Katy on the other hand, got professional help and a training program and trained like mad. She wants to beat the crap out of the Crap so to speak. So yesterday the Crap called a secret Team Dindin. Those invited are BOic, BOlani, BOrabia, BOtall & BObbie. BOic & BOtall figured out what the Crap wanted and both looked for excuses not to attend. BOlani, BOrabia didn’t know what was happening and BObbie just fall for any trick with food in it. The team rocked up to a dodgy Chinese restaurant that is inside a house, obviously not licensed. They serve a specialty called fire-pot. It’s a bowl of soup with ingredients only known to the Crap and you cook raw veges & meat in it and dip in sauce. Great meal in winter weather. However, nothing is great this ...

C haps, With tears dwindling down his pudgy cheeks, the vice crap BOlani wishes to apologize for not organizing his kitchen last night. so the plan for this week is... Team dindin fireport tonight. Meet at hq to travel to Randpark Ridge. Please let us know if you in. We going either way. CasaBOlinger lunch on saturday? Best italian food, best restaurant in my opinion in S.A. Please confirm. BOlani & BObbie is gonna go to the expo today around lunch. If ju wanna yours collected, let us know. Saturday morning lide to rosebank for Italian sarms and back. 25km easy spinning sessions. BOmie is in and Kenny, the BOic slaughter from Durban also set to join us. BOtall, not gonna put bonette on list, so let her know if she's keen to join.

Add wet & slippery to BOic's choke list.

That's right, the famous bladder of BObbie's who once won KOM in a climbing race and trained 2 current pros for Team Fuji Asia (a Continental Pro team). BObbie asked what Team BO must do before 94. Craptain: Stop at every water point, there is no hope. BOlani: Sprint is at the end. BOic: Some pros don't ride TDF either. BObbie: Donut is not carb. Katy: Kick Crap's ass. BOtall: Don't panic. BOnette: Be nice to the males. BOrabia: Ignore BOic. BOdope: How maach? BOmie: You can do it. Actually he said: Start intake water or carbo drinks 3 ~ 4 hours before race. stop taking 20 minute before race starts and pros do piss on their bibs.

Code name: BOmie. Team function: Team leader and specialized pusher. Career: He's a pro-stitute. No really, he is. Career achievements: 2009 S.A. Road Champ, subbed a 3 in Argus at the age of 14. Career let downs: Pushed BOlani at Panorama Tour and lost to BObbie & Whale in stage 1. Ride: Whatever he was sponsored with, and podium girls. Origin: The windy city. Unhealthy brand love: Oakley and Shitmano. Secret training methods: He rides 6 hours a day and can piss on his bike. Secret money making scheme: He goes to Northcliff Crit for pocket money. Secret diet: Anything pharmaceutical.

Code Name: BOtherine, or Craptain's version, Katy. Team function: New Feman in training and resident blonde. Ride: Bianchi 928 SL, Campagnolo Record, Campagnolo Zonda. Origin: Paris. Career: It has something to do with pipes and wetting yourselves. Famous deeds: leading the series 2-1 in the Craptain's Mutiny Challenge. Secret training ground: Northcliff hills. Man love: Fabian Cancellara. Famous last words: "I am a girl!!!".

Code name: BOpunda Team function: Part of the infamous "Three Domestiques". Ride: Fuji "I luv you long time", Shitmano 105, Fokrim Racing 3. Origin: Austria or correctly put, part of Germany. Career: Sells Bio-Diesel, or correctly put, shit that don't work. She love: Cindy from Taiwan or correctly put, KTV. Secret training ground: The Bra's Cycling Club. Secret training method: Paleo, or correctly put, shit that don't taste good. Famous last words: "Be a man!". Secret that can not be revealed: He's actually French.

Code name: BObbie. Team function:  Part of the infamous "Three Domestiques". Ride: Bianchi 928 SL, Campagnolo Super Record, Fokrim Racing 1. Origin: Taiwan. Unhealthy love: Donuts. Secret training ground: Dunkin' Donuts. Traits: Extremely injury prone. Famous last words: "How maach?". Favourite girls in the world: Orianthi Chen & Kate Beckinsale. Famous deeds:  Invented the concept " B ad O ne". Man love: Fabian Cancellara, Thor Hoshovd, Denis Menchov.

Code name: BOrabia. Team function: The leader of the infamous "Three Domestiques". Origin: Italy, Swaziland. Ride: Raleigh RC8000c, Shitmano 105, Mavic SL. Secret training ground: In Swazi mountains with goats. Secret training method: What part of goat do you not understand. Saddest moment in life: When Lolly was shot. Famous last words: "Alberto!!!". Man love: Alberto Cuntador. Favourite food: Spanish steak. Unhealthy love: Penelope Cruz.

Code name: BOtall. Team function: G.C. contender and after hour entertainments. Origin: South, deep in the South. Career: Stalker or as they say it, human resources. Ride: LOOK 486, Shitmano Ultegra, Mavic Equipe. Serious issues: She is 8kg over weight. Secret training ground: South, deep in the South. Famous deeds: She cries for no reason at all and was a stagiaire for a pro team. Man love: Andy Schleck & Cadel Evan's voice. Secret desire: A 6.5kg bike.

Code name: BOlani Team function: Vice craptain, team organize everything man, pharmaceuticals included (position has been replaced), super sprinter. Rides: LOOK 595, Trek Madone 6.9, Time VRX, Bianchi T-Cube, Bianchi 928SL, some crap that don't belong on this list, Campagnolo Record, Shitmano Di2, Campagnolo Super Record, Zipp 303, Zipp 404, Campagnolo Zonda, Eurus, Shitmal, Bora 2 and I simply cunt keep up. Origin: Macau, Alberton. Secret training ground: At home. Man love: Mark Cavendish, Ethan Chan. Famous last words: "I need a push!". Famous deed: won Meyerton International Trash Ground 40km. Businesses that hates him: All insurance companies. Businesses that loves him: All bike shops. Career achievement: accredited tester for bike brands.

Code name: BOic or Choic, depending on races. Team function: Tow-er, choker, climber supremo. Origin: Italy, France, Slovakia, Israel. Career: Foreskin salesman. Ride: Scott Addict R2, Campagnolo Record, Zipp 404. Famous deeds: Have never subbed a 3 in 94 and he uses his underwear for cycling tasks. Secret training ground: Kempton Park without insurance. Famous last words: "Cum say that here!". Man love: Ivan Basso & Sacha Cohen. Serious Issues: He is bullied by BOnette and really hate her. His self bloated description: The Machine, The Flying Roman, The Italian Stallion, The Black Sabbath.

Code name: Craptain, BOna. Team Function: He's the captain, whatever he says, no one listens, but he says. Career: Chief AcCUNTant Officer, MTN. Ride: Felt SL 2, Shitmano Dura Ace 7900, Mavic Ksyrium ES Red edition. Important note: BO message at 04h00 in the morning must be SMSed to the Crap. Dirty secrets: He loves Mariah Carey and dances to her tune in his boxers. Secret training ground:  His neighbourhood block. Origin: Somewhere in China, but suspect of Jewish blood. Man love: Chris Yen, Tom Boonen. Famous last words: "beep, beep, beep, beep & beep!". Serious issues: Dislike team blonde Katy. Amazing ability: He can toss a flat like no other.

It is with great disappointment that I announce one of the "three domestiques" BOnold will not be pursuing his first sub-3 at 94. BOnold is to meet with his new supplier KTV. Miss. Cindy is the C.E.O. of this fine establishment. We wish him a "vely happy" journey.